Of Preparation and Parting
by Adicus Langley
Summary: Takes place between Arrival and Mass effect 3. Or between 'To Hold On or Let Go' and 'The Sea and The Rose'.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:  
**This story is very much like my work Rain, in that it is really built around a collection of 'scrap' or 'frame-work' material from The Sea and the Rose. As stated in my summary, this story takes place immediately after Arrival in Mass Effect 2. When I started The Sea and the Rose, Arrival hadn't even been announced yet, but I wanted to integrate the events of Arrival in to that story. I also wanted to tell the story of what had happened to Shepard's crew after Arrival.

As always Mass effect and it's original Characters and Events belong to Bioware. This work is provided to the public as free expression and entertainment. I appreciate being able to use the characters and the universe to tell my 'head-cannon' story of El'Jaid Shepard.

I recommend reading my other works Rain, and To Hold on or Let Go before reading this work.

If you want to use any part of my story, please ask. But always be creative and enjoy what you write and read! And as always; I enjoy reviews.

* * *

It had been six months since they had returned through the Omega 4 relay. It had taken four months to get the Normandy back online. Yet after repairing the Normandy it all felt so surreal to her. So much had happened to fast. Like the sudden dissipation of a thunderstorm, it was all gone. They were gone.

"Commander, we are expecting the SSV Everest to arrive in two hours time." Joker said. His voice was uncharacteristically calm. Quiet.

El'Jaid didn't reply. She didn't need to. She looked around the Loft. The blue fish tank bathing the room in a cold, cruel light. The fish doing nothing to take her parted feeling away. It was far too quiet on the ship. She was still in her red amour. The gloves torn away and tossed to the ground. Her hands hurt, but not a scratch was on them. Yet they seethed with pain. With the memory of atrocity...

Her mind tried to slip her away to a 'better' time.

"Shepard!" Tali sounded as if she was going to jump right in to El'Jaid arms.

El'Jaid in turned nearly jumped out of her own skin from the surprise.

"Hi Tali, can I help you with something?

"I need to talk with you right away, in private!" Tali exclaimed nervously as she wrung her hands together.

El'Jaid's eyes narrowed. The last time Tali had been this, excited, was when she had been drawn up on treason charges by the Migrant Fleet. "Your not in trouble with the Fleet again are you?"

Tali looked around then ran her left hand up and down her arm. "Not exactly..." She admitted.

El'Jaid winched with agitation and started marching back to the communications room. Tali followed without question.

The hallway had been cleared of debris and everything was seamless as if nothing had happened, though after the Omega 4 mission, it had been a complete disaster. The Doors hissed shut behind them.

"Ok Tali. What is going on this time." El'Jaid asked.

"I need to return to the Fleet Shepard. I talked with Legion...and the Geth want to stop the war." Tali said carefully.

El'Jaid's eye widened with shock, then she closed them and a small smile formed on her lips. _Thank Durga..._ She thought. She had hoped this would happen. It was a fools hope, but she knew she need more. More men, ships, resources, more people to believe, to fight the storm that she knew was coming.

She opened them again. "EDI, please send a message to the Admirals of the Migrant fleet. Inform them that I have given Ms. Tali vas Normandy Leave to return to the Fleet for duties to her people."

"Done Shepard." EDI responded over the comms with a sterile voice.

El'Jaid gave Tali a smile, but then her mind clicked with a question. "So how are you going to do this Tali? I didn't think the Geth and the Fleet were on speaking terms."

Tali looked down at the ground, and immediately El'Jaid knew what she had done, what was going to happen.

"EDI, I want Legion up here now!" El'Jaid barked.

"He is gone Shepard. He left two hours ago." Tali admitted weakly.

El'Jaid looked at her with her mouth open.

"Tali is correct Shepard. I confirm that Legion is no longer aboard the Normandy." EDI responded.

" 'Geth do not infiltrate', my ass!" Shepard cursed and slammed her hands down on the conference table and stared at the cold metal. Her mind raced trying to think of what she could do.

_Nothing..._ Her mind echoed.

"Shepard this was the only way. A Ship from the Fleet will be here in an hour..." Tali said consolingly.

El'Jaid let out a sigh, and looked up at the young Quarian engineer. Her eyes were one of a dim red ember, and a sad blue. "Tali, I hope you know what your doing, because I won't be there to pull you out of this one..."

"So do I Shepard. But if there is one thing, out of many I have learned from you, is that there are things worth risking it all for." Tali said confidently.

El'Jaid smiled. She was proud of the 'woman' Tali was maturing in to. Over the past months of working with the energetic Quarian, El'Jaid had not only seen her continued desire to help her people, because also her blossoming role as a leader.

El'Jaid extended her hand, but rather than take it, Tali charged forward and caught El'Jaid in a hug. At first she was startled, but then El'Jaid just wrapped her arms around the young woman.

Tali broke away and stood back. "Well I guess I'd better collect my things."

"Yeah...Take care of yourself Tali." El'Jaid said with a lopsided grin, crossing her arms in front of her.

"You know this is not goodbye, 'Captain'." Tali said, and she started towards the door.

El'Jaid was still wearing the grin when she called out to Tali once more. "So you already contacted a Fleet ship. You weren't really asking for my permission to leave at all were you."

Tali turned and put a hand her hip. "Well its always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission right? Another 'lesson' I learned from you."

El'Jaid let out another chuckle, but again the feeling of happiness was stolen away.

_They are coming...I saw them coming..._ Her mind spoke with terror. She unconsciously took up a set of blue Japa Mala. She began to rub each bead between her fingers as her mind continued to piece through the past few months.

She had sent Jack and Zaeed to Aria. Leaving them on Omega. _I need men..._ her mind echoed. She knew that Zaeed wanted blood. She knew she could use that.

She remembered Zaeed's face, red with rage. She had seen it twisted like that only once before when Vido had gotten away...

"Shepard! I've got a bone to pick with you!" Zaeed roared as she stormed in to the CIC.

El'Jaid turned to face him, and her eyes lit up like red coals. His tone needed to change. "Funny Massani. I have a bone for you too..." She stood back and crossed her arms in front of her. The act was like a pair bar of steal bars shutting him out.

He stopped just centimeters from her and jabbed his finger forward. "You knew didn't you! You knew the whole goddamn time, and didn't tell me!"

"Knew what?" Shepard fired back acidly.

"Vido! You know where he is, and only now I get the information. And not from you, but from your Shadow Broker wench!"

The action was barely slow enough to register by the eye, and far to fast for any normal reflex to catch. Barely a nanosecond had passed after Zaeed's let his last words slip, that Shepard had grabbed his throat and dragged him down to face her eye to eye. He had his hand wrapped around hers.

Zaeed's eyes were wide with shock, and even a little terror. Her emeralds eyes bored in to his own like lava, her face twisted with contempt for his words. She didn't need a gun to his head, she already had him by the throat. _I really fucked up..._ was the look that was painted to his face.

She snarled and threw him back, and he caught his neck rubbing it as if her very touch had scorched his skin. "Your right. I knew about Vido. I found out just last night, but I didn't want to be the one to pass you the information." She said coldly.

Zaeed looked at her wildly. "Why? Your in comm..." The last word stuck in his mouth and Shepard just gave him a wicked smile. Checkmate_._

"I wanted to see what you would do Zaeed." She said. "And you didn't fail to disappoint." Her tone caustic. "Your going to have to choose now, Zaeed. Are you going to let this old abhorrent vendetta of yours continue to control you or not? Because if you are, I don't need it, and I don't need you. I won't have old feuds of any kind ruin our chances at survival. But most importantly you don't need it." She commanded.

"You don't know what its like Shepard..." He said weakly.

Shepard's eyes flash crimson blood and she rushed forward. "Don't I?" Her face screwed up with anger. "You want to go shot for shot at who has the worst life story? I could go all damn day, but I don't have the time. You want to go blow yourself up on some shit piece of rock? There is plenty around Omega, go pick. But _Only_ after I let you do so."

The memory echoed hallow now in her mind. The feeling of power seemed so fleeting. But so intoxicating...

_How many were down there? How many who couldn't defend themselves? How many had been taken, tortured, and worked to death. How many did I take? _

El'Jaid's fingers rubbed the polished beads. Their texture was smooth and cool to the touch, no matter how long they were held. Their weight was perfect. Heavy enough to feel, but light enough as to not be a burden.

Potential wasted was a burden. While Zaeed wanted blood, Jack needed direction.

"What the hell Shepard!" Jack stormed into the cabin. She threw her duffle bag filled with everything she owned on the floor and stalked closer to Shepard. "What the hell did I do to be thrown off the ship on Omega?" She screeched as Shepard was looking at her armor locker and just finishing fastening her forearm piece.

Shepard turned her head, and looked at the young biotic with a scrutinizing eye. "You really think that is what I'm doing Jack?"

"Sure as Hell feels like it!" Jack raged as she turned to look at the fish tank, and for a moment her anger left her. "What did I do wrong Shepard? I thought I'd finally found a home..." She said with the hint of sadness on her voice. Jack briefly watched the fish lazily float back and forth, oblivious to life out side of their glass cage.

Shepard walked up beside her and looked in to the same world just beyond theirs. "I wouldn't have you go Jack, if I didn't trust you with my life."

Jack looked at the Commander's reflection. Shepard stood dressed in her trade mark red armor. She was imposing in her shipboard uniform, but down right commanding in her armor. "Then why won't you let me stay here?" Jack said turning her head away and frowning.

"Because I need to you watch Zaeed. He wants Vido Santiago's ass. That's fine. But he better want it for the _right_ reasons." Jack saw Shepard 's eyes flair red to accentuate her words as Jack continued to look at Shepard through the reflection.

The sight made her shiver slightly, but she kept up the strong thug act. "Why do you care so much about Zaeed's vendetta with that piece of Vorcha shit?"

"Because we need men. We need an army. I don't have to tell you what's coming for us Jack. We need to be ready when they come." El'Jaid said serenely as she walked back over to her weapons locker and began making her selections for the outing.

"So you just expect me to play wet nurse for him?" Jack spat. Shepard could tell that Jack still felt she was getting the short end of the stick.

"No. I expect you to keep him inline. Keep him alive, and make sure he survives his little bid for revenge." She walked back over to Jack and rested a hand on the convict's shoulder. "I also will need you to be ready when the time comes."

_Need you_... Shepard saw the effect those two words had on Jack. They pierced through her shield, crushed her barriers, and sapped any reason to argue. She had never been needed by anyone. The crew of the Normandy had at first grudgingly accepted her, but had grown to respect her. But she had never felt needed by any of them. Her shocked expression was exactly what El'Jaid wanted to see.

Shepard turned and began to walk towards the door. "C'mon Jack. We wouldn't want to keep her 'highness' waiting."

"Who?" Jack turned and gave Shepard El'Jaid a lost look, and Shepard returned with a cracked rouge's grin.

"Oh fuck me!" Jack spat.

El'Jaid came back to the moment.

_They were coming. More than I could count. They got so close..._ How long had she been going through the beads? She didn't know. Didn't care. She needed to focus on this. Too much had happened. If she didn't. if she couldn't piece back together everything that had happened. She would come undone...

For a moment El'Jaid wished she could be like the fish in her tank. Free from any thought of fear, unaware of any sad memory. Oblivious to terror. To fear. Free from emotion. Out of all emotions a sentient being could experience the one she could never understand was greed. Aria was filled with greed and make matters more...interesting...paranoia.

If there ever had been an antithesis to the Loft, it was Afterlife. One tried to provide a measure of order, the other was chaos. Where one held the promise of peace, the other extolled the out outlandish.

"Why is it when ever you come to Afterlife. there is always a mess I have to clean up." Aria said matter-a-factly.

"If you want to continue to cast your blue eyes blind to slavery that is your problem. But then don't get angry if I crack someone's skull open." Shepard remarked.

"What my patron's do here is their business..." Aria started.

"...and it becomes mine if they try to proposition me." Shepard finished.

Shepard mounted up the steps and took up her usual seat in the long black sofa to the right of Aria and relaxed comfortably in to the seat. Jack and Zaeed waited patiently below. None of Aria's guards bothered Shepard. Whether it was out of respect or fear she didn't know, nor did she really care. Aria too had 'mellowed' herself. Shepard knew that below the surface where Aria had been cautious and curious, she was now terrified, but impressed. She never was completely certain whether Shepard was friend or foe. But to the rest of Omega, they never saw that. They never could. It anyone had, they would have simply disappeared, or suffered an 'accident'.

The Asari cast a suspicious eye towards EShepard. "You know...I have had more and more people screaming at me to throw you and your ship off of Omega. It's making people uncomfortable..."

Shepard's eyes flashed a somber red. "It is the people I am making uncomfortable? Or you, Aria?" A polite smile was on her face. The move was audacious. If it had come from anyone else, Aria would have personally crushed them.

Aria's guards moved nervously. All of them tightened the grip on their weapons, and all of them casting eye shots, expecting something to happen. The fires in Afterlife suddenly made their presence more pronounced, the music became louder. The pulse matching the elevated heart rate of everyone's in the meeting area, except Shepard's.

It was a game of chicken. The Queen versus the Specter. The Boss versus the Commander.

And Aria broke first.

"Enough pillow talk. How about we get right down to the fucking point. What is it that you need Shepard?" She asked. Her eyes narrowed like daggers, but her ears open intent on listening. Her guards released their grip, and relaxed. It was business as always.

"I know that you have been having...issues...with the Blue Suns lately. I thought I'd give you a hand." Shepard said softly.

Aria laughed lightly. "I don't care about the Suns."

Shepard smiled again. She knew Aria was lying. "Humm, well wouldn't it be to your advantage to...take care of them? To have them out of your way?"

Aria snorted. "I may be the top dog around here Shepard. But I haven't stayed that way by making continuous open war. Besides, killing off customers; even my infrequent customers, is bad for business."

"Who said anything about killing them off?"

Aria turned her eyes towards El'Jaid. Now she _really_ was interested.

"The Bloodpack are done, and the Eclipse are in no position to try anything now. But the Blue Suns on the other had still have an impressive measure of man power and resources. Something that could be useful to you..." Shepard spoke carefully.

Aria slammed a fist down on her seat. A frown crossing her face. Checkmate. Shepard had Aria exactly where she wanted her. She was working her thirst for power and her paranoia at the same time.

"If you think for one moment I'm going to make nice with that Bastard Santiago you have another thing coming Shepard."

"I don't want you to make nice with him. In fact, I don't even want him around..." Shepard slithered.

"So _that's_ why you brought your Mercenary with you..." Aria said as she looked down on Zaeed, sizing him up.

"He knows where Vido is. Right now. Let him have some of your men, and it could all be over quickly, and quietly." Shepard said serenely.

"What do I get out of this?" Aria asked.

"You get the Suns." Shepard quipped.

"What the bloody...!" Zaeed burst out, but Shepard shot him a rebuking look and he changed his tune. "...Right."

Aria couldn't suppress the smile that had grown her on lips. "Why is the runt with him?"

"Fuck you!" Jack said, her hands glowing blue with biotics.

Aria's guards tightened up and Zaeed clapped a hand on Jack's shoulder to reign her in. "She's with me. She doesn't stay. I walk. I walk, and you have to deal with the pain the ass that Vido is until I find him and take care of him myself. Now that might be a while." He tossed a seeking look towards El'Jaid. Her eyes flashed blue as if to commend his maneuver.

Jack shoved his arm away, but didn't budge.

"So, now is the acid question." Aria said cautiously leaning back. "What is in this arrangement for you Shepard? Why are you so willing to whore out your crew to me?"

Before her guards could react, before Aria could have brought up a barrier, Shepard had her Phalanx pulled on the Queen of Omega. The blue sighting laser aimed steadily at the Asari's temple, and Shepard's mouth was just a breaths away from the Asari's ear. Her eyes were burning with fury.

Aria raised her hand, and her guards slowly withdrew their weapons as Shepard held her aim true. She licked her lips as she spoke softly to Aria.

"I don't 'whore' out my crew. I'm offering their help to you. Don't you dare confuse the two." She growled as she slowly drew back and lowered the gun. "As far as what in this for me? I also shouldn't have to explain that to you." Shepard's tone was one of disgust and she got up and walked down the steps. Aria just looked on at the Specter, a wisp of shock gracing her features. She knew Aria wouldn't back out now. Not when the price was right. Shepard didn't need a handshake to know that the deal was sealed.

She pressed by Aria's guards, and caught Zaeed's hand. His look was serious. It was business. It was 'Thanks'. She then turned to walk down the steps and to get out of Afterlife. She had her fill of the place.

"You know Shepard..." The memory of Aria's voice called out like Karma. "One of these days, your shotgun Abolitionism is going to get you in to trouble..."

Shepard had just simply turn around and walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

_I had to make a choice...Right? Few for the many... _El'Jaid realized she was still in her armor. It was scratched, rented, and unpolished. She shivered and quickly got up and started to shed it. Stripping away the pieces and tossing them away as if they were cancer.

Soon she was just in her black under armor body suite. The material clung to her body like a soaked mat. It hung to her, heavy with her sweat and it chilled her to the bone. The suite had been modified by her resident, or rather former resident genius, Mordin Solus. He had made it to where the material acted like a wet suite and medical first aid kit all in one. If a bullet pierced her armor, the material would quickly seal over the wound and stop the bleeding, in addition to wicking away sweat. It had saved her life on more than one occasion.

He was gone now too, and for a moment El'Jaid missed his energetic and quirky personality. Gone as well was Grunt. The young Krogan who had proven himself to her and his Clan. No longer could he be considered just a 'mere' child. She had left them both on Tuchanka.

She remembered the nervous feeling she had as the shuttle descended into the cavernous bay. The thrusters wailing like wolves. It was the same feeling she had when she faced down Wrex on Vermire. While Wrex was reasonable, it was still never advisable to try to talk down a Krogan. And she had gone in to a settlement full of them with the Doctor who had reengineered the bioweapon that had shackled them, and the bioengineered example of their species that most were diffident of.

The only Ace in the hole she had was Wrex. A Leader who's ideas for the future of his people were seen just as crazy. Winning him to her point of view was her only chance. Appealing to his people's survival was the only way to gain their over all loyalty. No...not loyalty. Their resolve.

_I might as well throw my self in to a pit filled with Black Mambas... _She thought as she brought up her eyes to look at the Salarian and the Krogan seated on the bench opposite of her.

Mordin was calm, cool, collected, showing no emotion. Grunt on the other hand was barely contained, shifting nervously in his seat. It was his idea to bring Mordin back here. Their idea to possibly change the fortunes of an entire people. If they succeeded, it could be a tipping point in things to come. If they failed, then none of it would matter.

The Shuttle landed unapologetically with a thud, and the door hissed open soon after. The trio got out and El'Jaid took a moment to stretch, and look around. The landing pad had not changed, thought the Blood Pack recruiter who had been squatting a corner was no where to be found.

The Guard Captain let them by without as much as a word. But his eyes were on them, as were every other Krogan's as they passed deeper in to the Urdnot lair. The air the oppressively hot, but was far cooler than what the temperature was on the nuclear scorched surface of Tuchanka, and a light dust filled every crevasse and corner.

As they neared the entrance to the main hall cheering could be heard. As the large doors rolled open they saw a huge crowd of Krogan forming around an expansive arena. El'Jaid kept to the outskirts of the roaring crowd and she was able to get a view of the cause of the commotion. Two young Krogan could be seen brawling each other, both only clothed in what could only be described as loin cloths. Both were beaten and bloody but standing their ground as they continued to lash out on each other. They were young. Younger than even Grunt.

"Haha!" Grunt boomed as he looked on, captivated by the Spectacle.

Shepard looked up him with a quizzical look. "What's this all about?"

The Krogan continued to look on. "The Death Fight. Its the first Celebration for a child to transition to be a Warrior. They are too young for the Rite just yet, but here is where they prove that they are capable to fight. To Survive."

Mordin looked on with an air of scientific curiosity.

Shepard turned back to the ensuring brawl. One of the two had briefly pined the other, bashing his fists into the other. But he was quickly thrown off, and the two separated to plan another attack.

"This must be the last round. Both have fought all day. Only one will be claimed the victor." Grunt said, his eyes flashing with glee.

"What happens to the loser?" Shepard asked.

"He's killed." Grunt said simply without any hint of sadness in his voice.

"Killed? You mean every fight these two have had to get here resulted in their beaten opponent dying? They are just children." Shepard said, a look of disgust painted her face.

"No." Mordin said matter-a-factly. It didn't surprise Shepard that Mordin knew of the custom. I wouldn't have surprised her if he knew more about the Krogan than they knew of themselves.

"The Death fight is an honor to compete in. The Victor is given the supreme prize. His life. Both know and agree to what happens to the loser. If they didn't, it wouldn't happen." Grunt said. He looked down to Shepard with a lost face. He almost expected her to know this. "You went through a similar experience didn't you Battlemaster?"

Bile boiled up in Shepard 's throat, as the memories of her N7 training visited her briefly. It had been brutal, thorough, and indiscriminate. A crucible meant to break and create. A crucible she had broken and left for shards. The Crowd's roar brought her back to the moment, and she looked down in to the 'pit'. One Krogan was down, the other straddling him with a blade in his hand, blood dripping from it. The fight was over, the Victor had won.

"What a Waste." Shepard said dejectedly as the crowd continued to roar in adoration of the winner.

"Indeed. But good you didn't interfere Shepard." Mordin said coolly.

"Why is it a waste? He proved he could survive in a fight." Grunt said giving Shepard a scrutinizing look.

"You really think that just Surviving is winning Grunt? That the best thing in life is to just Survive?" Her eyes shown with a berating blue to accentuate her words. She stepped closer to the large Krogan who towered above her. But for all intents the roles were reversed. It was she who was looking down on his diminutive figure. "Surviving is just getting by. Its not building. Its not creating anything. It about maintaining the status quo at any cost to yourself. Is that what you want Grunt, for your people to merely exist?"

Grunt let out a low growl, but didn't give an answer, a pondering look pervaded his features.

She then turned towards the Salarian Doctor giving him a rebuking shove in the shoulder. "I never thought I'd see the day that you two would agree on something like this." Shepard responded to him. Her arm sweeping out across the display before them.

"Never said I agree with it." Mordin said defensively. "Cannot force point of view on another people, or person. Must allow them to come to the conclusion on their own." He said raising his voice slightly. "You know what happens when that is not done." He said quickly with a tinge of regret on his voice.

Shepard gave him a sour look showing her own contempt for his reasons. The mass of Krogan started to file out. Few giving notice at the alien presence. A group carried away the dead fighter. They carried his body with reverence and honor. The Krogan who were left in the atrium bowed their heads to honor him.

El'Jaid looked up to where Wrex sat in shining sunlight. The Victor kneeled and bowed before him. "C'mon." She said and strode forward. Two Krogan Guards stood and barred their way at the mouth of the ramp leading up to Wrex's 'throne'. But their arrival had not gone unnoticed.

"Shepard!" Wrex boomed. The Victor looked toward the Alien squad, rose to his feet and backed away. He looked on at the trio with curiosity.

Shepard, Grunt and Mordin pushed gruffly past the perturbed guards and made their way up to the mount of the ramp.

Wrex rushed forward and clasped Shepard 's hand. "It's been to long. I had begun to wonder what had happened to you." His voice sincere.

She gave him a rouges smile, her eyes a dim amber. "Just taking care of business."

"Of that I have no doubt." Wrex said smilingly as he lumbered back to his seat. "So what brings you back my friend."

_Straight to business. I always liked that about him. _Shepard thought. She was about to reply when Grunt excitedly interjected.

"I have come back to help my Clan, Kin, and people oh great Chief." He said as he rushed forward and kneeled before Wrex.

Wrex gave the young warrior a surprised look. Shepard couldn't hide the smirk that grew on her lips. Mordin gently coughed to coax Grunt back to the reality of the situation.

"You still have a lot to learn boy. I was asking your Battlemaster, not her welp." Wrex said admonishingly.

Embarrassed, Grunt rose to his feet. But Wrex's acknowledgement of Shepard as a Battlemaster did not go uncontested.

"Her? That Alien? A Battlemaster to a Krogan?" The Victor blustered. "It was Urdnot Grunt who slew the Thresher maw. She is only his Krant! She looks as frail as an Asari, if not more so. I am sure I could beat her easily if she wasn't hiding behind her weapons and armor."

Wrex rose and turned his ire to the young Krogan. "Shows what you know, _child_. Shepard has done more than you will possibly do in your entire life. She is a Battlemaster, so show your respect and close your gaping maw."

He turned to Shepard and quietly said to her. "Pay no mind to the fool. He's young, and hopefully will learn." And then he raised his voice. "So you have brought back Grunt to the clan...but that does not explain the Salarian who trails in your wake." He said casting a suspicious eye towards Mordin. "I hope he understand that he is still alive only because his is in your company." Wrex lumbered back to his seat.

Wrex's words could not have been truer. The Guards near them tightened their grips on their weapons. Murderous intent barely shackled in their eyes. Mordin gave Wrex a sour look.

"His name is Dr. Mordin Solus. He has come along with Grunt to help the Krogan as a whole." Shepard said, and Mordin walked up next to her.

Wrex let out a mirthful laugh. "And just how is he going to help the Krogan? Help us build green houses?"

Mordin interjected quickly. "No." He said with a sharp inhale. "Reverse Genophage."

Wrex's disposition changed suddenly. It was a combination of intense curiosity mixed with an animal backed in to a corner. The air around them suddenly grew silent.

"And just how would you do that? The Salarian's may have created it, but that was over a millennia ago. Any who created it have long since turned to dust." He growled with contempt.

"Didn't create it. Modified it." Mordin said serenely.

Something snapped inside Wrex as rage burst forth. But he kept his seat his hand gripping the arms and if he was trying to rip them from the throne. "You...You what!" He boomed.

Almost on queue the guards charged forth. One opened fire towards Mordin, while the other closed in with a broad knife. But both Grunt and El'Jaid were ready. Shepard pushed Mordin out of the way letting her Shields take the brunt of the fire.

Her eyes were alight with fire and fury as she turned her attention to the firing Krogan. She channeled all of her malice, her cold cruelty in to a perfect dark energy explosion as she warped forward in a charge. Her hit shattered the Krogan's armor as she made contact. The hit threw him across the chamber to slam against the far wall. At the same time, Grunt and rushed forward and proceeded to pummel the other Korgan into submission with his fists. He heaved in heaps of air, but Shepard could tell he was enjoying himself.

Yet more Krogan began to crowd in around them, all of them with murder on their minds.

"Enough!" And a shotgun report rang in the air as ceiling shards flittered down like snow. Wrex Stood to his full height and Shepard turned to face him. Rage was in his eyes. Barely contained hate. He tossed the shotgun to the ground and unsheathed a garish dagger and stalked to up where Shepard and Mordin stood. Shepard inched closer to Mordin as the towering lizard continued to approach, stopping just centimeters away. Too close for a gun, but just right for a blade.

"You modified the Geophage." Wrex rumbled. His shadow cast over the Salarian.

"Yes." Mordin replied.

Wrex brought the dagger in to clear view. It was obsidian in color, and curved like a sickle. Shepard 's hand twitched close to her pistol. _This feels too much like Vermire..._ She thought.

"Why? Why did you decide to keep us a neutered people?" Wrex thundered to the small Salarian doctor standing before him.

The Mass of Krogan looked on, their gazes oppressive. If they all attacked at once Shepard knew that Grunt, Mordin and her wouldn't stand a chance. It all hinged on the Doctor's words. Mordin's chosen response.

The Salarian inhaled sharply. "Best possible outcome given all possible circumstances. All other option pointed to open war. Better to control birth rate than open war. Better to modify Genophage than open war. Open war would have meant great destruction. Annihilation of Krogan."

The mass of towering lizards bloomed in to a roar of outrage at Mordin's words. They wanted him dead. They wanted the aliens dead.

"Silence!" Wrex boomed, and the unruly crowd quieted to slumber, and he looked down with shaking hatred on Mordin. His red armor matching the malice in his eyes, the pain in his heart. "If you fear open war so much, than why have you come to undue the what you have wrought. Have you come to assuage your own guilty conscious? " Wrex asked pointedly.

The same questions rang in Shepard 's own mind. She had hinted as to what the answer was, but she needed to hear it from the Doctor himself.

"Geophage no longer relevant. Open war coming regardless. It's coming to burn all. You know it Urdnot Wrex. You have seen it with Shepard." Mordin said simply.

Murmurs erupted again from the gathered crowd. The voices were nervous, excited, and some even held fear. The Salarian Doctor had done what few had accomplished before him. The anger that had burned inside Wrex froze and evaporated then and there. He turned to look Shepard in the eyes. The rage that had supplanted his vision was now replaced by the stark clarity of fear. The fear of the truth.

But just as quickly he took the dagger and struck.

The Blade flew from his hand and implanted itself firmly into the ground in front of Mordin. Silence froze the room. The offer had been made. A Contract was on the table. The Doctor grasped the hilt and uprooted it. In doing so, he wordlessly accepted the agreement.

"The clan Urdnot High Researcher will be at your disposal. The entire lab will be at your disposal. Anything you need you will request from me, and you will have." Wrex rumbled.

Mordin Traced the back of the sickle like blade with his finger, admiring the craft. "Understood." He said as he lowered the blade. "Now must get to work. Have much to do. Don't know how much time we have."

The crowd again to voice their discontent. But their voices were soft with a kind of...satisfaction, as well. The air was caustic but sickly alive with the unspoken agreement if he were to fail.

_Pray that you die on the blade yourself, if you fail..._ it whispered.

Wrex turned to Grunt. "Urdnot Grunt. Since you brought the Alien here, he is in your charge every moment from here forward. Your fate, is now tied to his." Wrex gave the Warrior a hard look.

Grunt without flinching took out his own combat knife, and grasped the blade in his free hand. He looked over to El'Jaid with only respect and admiration in his eyes. With one smooth motion he slid the blade till bright orange trickled down the polished metal. The droplets of freshly spilled blood dripped on to the floor of his Clan, of his people. "I have learned well from my Battlemaster. I will not fail."

Wrex gave a nod of approval of the act, and turned around. Grunt took this as a sign to leave and he led Mordin away. The mass of Krogan who had gathered started to dwindle. Not one gesture did they make towards Grunt or the Doctor. Yet suspect was still in their eyes.

Soon only two titans left standing. Wrex and Shepard. She drew close to her old friend. But Wrex still felt like a light year away.

"I wonder Shepard. I wonder what I would have I done if Saren had been standing where you do now..." His tone was soft as he turned his head and looked her in the eye. His ruby orb peering in to her's.

Her face treated his words like a slap. But she did not waver in her gaze back. "You think I'm doing this for just my own reasons?"

"What other direction does this point to Shepard? You are as selfish as you are selfless. Three years ago you had me agree with you to stop Saren's own Krogan breeding program. You said he would use it as a way to control the Krogan. I still believe you were right then." Wrex walked away putting more distance between him and her." But now you show up with your own cure for our doom. I can't help but wonder if your reason is the same as Saren's."

"Grunt and Mordin came here on their own..." She said quietly.

"On their own." Wrex repeated in disgust. "You always have had a way with speech Shepard. How many times did you talk with them. Get to know them? By your sheer will they would gladly die for you if you ask them too."

He turned to face her fully and stalked up to her. "So what is your plan for my people Shepard? Why would you have us dragged back in to the rest of the Galaxy's affairs? A Galaxy that nothing more then hates us for what we are. Is your idea to use us as blunt objects like the Council did over two millennia ago? As cannon fodder?"

Her eyes roiled in blood red equal to his own, and the scars on her face lit the shadows between them. "I didn't do this for your allegiance. I'm not looking for tools. I'm asking for your help! The Reapers are coming Wrex! They will erase everyone if they are not stopped!" She yelled. Her voice reverberated throughout the cavernous underground. But they had no easily noticeable effect on the Krogan Chief.

She press in closer. Her was voice low and predatory. "Where it the fearless Krogan I fought along side with three years ago? Where is Battlemaster who put the bullet in Saren's head? Because I do not see him now."

His eyes went wide with shock. With rage. But he said nothing.

"Don't you dare compare me with Saren, Wrex. I fight the Reapers. I will never serve them. Not at any price. I will die before I live in fear of them. I will die before I become a thrall under them. Why won't you?" She stood there for what seems like an age waiting for him to reply. To do something.

"Shepard. I think your welcome is over. Lets part amiably for now." Wrex rumbled at last.

She frowned, spun on her heel, and walked away. Behind her she heard the lumbering foot steps as Wrex took up his broken and battered thrown. Shepard turned her head for one last look, and saw him slumped to one side. His anger barely checked as he was deep in thought. She didn't knew where they now stood in their friendship, or on anything and from there she had just simply left.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Merry Christmas! Hope you enjoy this little chapter.

Interesting little tid-bit. Japa Mala are prayer beads.


	3. Chapter 3

El'Jaid shivered from the cold second skin that was wrapped around her. She quickly shed the soiled and sullied garment, and once it was gone she looked at the black soft shell laying on the floor. She let out another violent tremor as she peered in to the reflection of her naked body on the fish tank's glass. Her olive skin reflected an ashen tone in the tank's blue light. Her eyes roved over the light stitch work of scars which were dimly alight. She was completely naked, and alone. To add to it she felt numb, as if everything that had just happened just a few hours ago was nothing but a day dream. Yet she knew it wasn't a dream as her hands continued to ache.

_I had to act...I had to act. _She thought as she walked in a haze to the shower. She stepped in to the scalding water. She let it burn her. Let the torrent of water turn her skin red. _So many because of me...but I did it for the many..._ She thought as she inhaled deeply the humid air.

The same humidity that she was trying to lose her self in had killed him, and memory faded to remembered reality once more. No sooner had she gotten back abroad the Normandy from the surface of Tuchanka, then they were racing across space towards the Citadel. Thane was dying. His condition had only proceeded to deteriorate no matter what Dr. Chalkwas tried to do for him. His time was ending, and all that El'Jaid had wanted to do was for him to see his son again.

He had to see his son again.

_Dad...why couldn't I save you..._ She screamed in her mind as the boiling water cascaded down her face.

She remembered seeing Thane for the last time.

She didn't know the Drell who was on the bed before her. Each breath he took was labored. Thane had always moved with grace and perfection. Not one motion ever wasted. This Drell's skin was a sickly pale green to near yellow. Thane's was always a mesmerizing green. This Drell's eyes were nearly a gray. Thane's had always been a glorious obsidian or a near black-green. Thane's hand's had been those of an Artisan. Strong. Skilled. Precise. This Drell's hands were weak. They shook with every cough that racked his body, and fumbled every time they reached for her hand.

It hadn't been easy, but she trusted Thane with her life. At first to her, he was nothing more than a contract killer. A simple gun for hire. El'Jaid understood the 'necessities' for such professionals. She also understood that in general, guns for hire were fickle, a weak point that could be exploited, and more often then not, unreliable.

But as she worked with him, and he shared his life with her; she found more then just a simple Assassin, but a professional as well. She saw a deeply religious man who's view of work brought him peace and yet troubled him greatly. A man who poured every ounce of his energy into his craft. He believed, truly believed, that his craft could be used for good. A being that mirrored her closely, in many ways, but at the same time was very different.

El'Jaid had never been known for subtlety in combat; but he had shown her that there advantages to subtlety. Like wise she had shown him that it was better to try and fail, then never to try at all. Kolyat was a testament to that.

"Siha...I am sorry that I cannot be with you when the storm finally comes." He said heavily.

She frowned as she continued to hold his hand. _He shouldn't have this weigh on him now. Not after all he did..._

"At least my soul will rest easy now. I will now be able to go to the sea without the shame of a wasted life." Thane said softly.

The air reeked of antiseptic. Medication. Sickness. It was too quiet. The only continuous sound was the oxygen machine that continued to feed Thane through a cannula. El'Jaid should have been angry. Thane had concealed his deteriorating condition ever since they had returned through the Omega 4 relay. She should have berated him for it.

But she couldn't. She understood him. She understood that there is a time for living, and a time for passing on. _But I don't understand it..._ her mind spoke looked back in his graying eyes, her's were an imploring blue. _Rest easy, you have had a hard life. _They spoke.

Thane's look in return said more then words could ever express. A Father had found his Son. A Soul had been saved. A life redeemed.

"Don't speak. He will be here soon." Garrus said nervously. He was stationed near by. El'Jaid knew that Garrus and Thane had struck up a kin-ship of sorts, mostly around Thane's Son Kolyat. Garrus had contacts who had help keep him, and by extension, Thane informed of Kolyat.

The door to the Normandy's medbay opened and Kolyat rushed to his father's side. El'Jaid reluctantly released Thane's hand and Kolyat took her place.

"Thank you...Commander...for getting here as fast as you did." Kolyat said.

El'Jaid smiled thinly. "I'll leave you and Thane alone." _I won't say good bye. _She thought as her eyes returned to Thane for the last time. She snapped a salute to him and then she turned crisply and left.

As soon as the doors closed she calmly, but quickly, made her way to the weapons bay. Just as quickly the doors closed behind her and she slapped the lock on. The space was empty and silent without Garrus' presence. It's lighting more subdued than the rest of the ship. In times past she had gone there to talk with Garrus or simply just be away. She came crashing down on a stack of crates. Her head in her hands, her face burning with the pain of loss. She sat there in the silence. Enjoying for once, listening to nothing.

"Killing. Killing, I'm comfortable with." She hissed. There was no one else to listen to her; to hear her, but it didn't matter. "Killing is easy when the other person is your enemy trying to kill you in turn." She exhaled. "And I have no problem ordering people to their deaths, if needed, to accomplish a goal..."

She held quiet for a while. Listening. At first she heard nothing but silence. But the break of the quite came in the form of a howling wail. The kind of cry that only a Son can have for a Father who has passed. Leaving him alone in the world.

"Yet Death...death disturbs me. I understand it, but there is something unnatural in Death. The cessation of life, of motion, of 'forward'...is alien to me. Even more so when the memory of my own death is only of blurry vision, of screaming lungs, and beyond intolerable cold." And yet my second life began with blurry vision and a screaming body."

The cries continued to ring in her ears as the present wrapped around her again as she stroked a comb through her wet hair. Her eyes reflected back at her in the bath room mirror with a somber red, and a faint blue. "And yet my second life began with blurry vision and a screaming body. And I didn't ask for. Any of it. Not my death. Not my rebirth."

_What would three hundred thousand people crying out at once sound like?_ She wondered morbidly. _I can only pray that they never got the chance..._

She walked out and went to her clothes cabinet and proceeded to silently dress. She chose a simple Cerberus cut formal suite, but the logos like the ones on the rest of the Ship had been removed. The outfit was simple, yet formal. Comfortable, yet harshly cut to the eyes. She needed to look crisp, even if just for herself. She knew she didn't have too much time before the Alliance representative from the SSV Everest would be on board, but she still had time.

...far too much time...

She remembered seeing both Garrus and Samara off. It was just after Thane had been cremated. His remains had been given to Kolyat who wanted to spread them across the sea of stars. He felt it would be a tribute to a man who had lived and worked for better things while in the midst of shadows.

Garrus had looked polished in his new set of Silver armor. His broken and battered blue one had outlived its usefulness. But he also looked conflicted. "Shepard...I just hope you don't think I'm leaving without a good reason. That I'm abandoning you...Its just I promised..."

Shepard smiled warmly to him. "I understand Garrus. I appreciate that your rejoining C-Sec and looking after Kolyat. I know Thane would want you to keep an eye on him."

"I just know what it's like to have no one to really rely on, and I don't want Kolyat to have to deal with that." Garrus said trying to assuage his guilt." But it not like I'm trying to play a father figure or anything...I mean I really enjoy serving under you."

"Oh wait...that _really _came out wrong..." The Turian said his mandibles swaying around in embarrassment.

Shepard shook her head in amusement. "I get it Garrus. Besides if you didn't leave I was going to ask you. I need a pair of eyes and ears I can trust on the Citadel. Someone outside of the Council."

Garrus' eyes flashed at her acknowledgement. At her request. "I understand Commander." He said solemnly and he bowed deeply.

"Take care of yourself." She said as she shook his hand.

"Will do." He said cheerfully satisfied.

Shepard turned then turned her attention to Samara. The Mission was over, the Justicar had fulfilled her oath. El'Jaid admired how beautiful Samara looked. Gone was the Justicar's typical red armor, instead she was in a simple, yet elegant silver robe, her gold circlet still enclosed her neck, and she still bore her red facial 'tiara'. Samara held a serene look to her face, but her eyes burned with judgment.

Shepard felt a tightness in her chest.

"Where will you go from here?" Shepard asked.

"Back to Asari space. I have traveled for many years. My task is done, and I long to see Thessia again." Samara said airily. "Besides, I feel that we will not have long to rest before darkness comes."

Shepard 's eyes fell to the ground and she nodded solemnly. She still felt Samara's questioning gaze on her. The Justicar stood looking upon Shepard, inspecting the being that stood before her. Who had helped her, and who had Commanded her. Samara had seen much, she had seen the depths of this being's very memory.

"So what is your Judgment Justicar?" Shepard asked.

Her question caused Samara to snap back in to the present. She thought for a moment longer then she spoke.

"Commander Shepard. I have witnessed your kindness, and your cruelty. You have shown benevolence to those who are in need, and displayed your malice towards those who stand in your way." Her tone was categorically dispassionate.

"Your methods are seen as harsh. Wicked. You have tormented the shackled, and wounded the innocent. You have courted the evil, and danced with the Shadow." She said acidly, her eyes narrowing.

"Yet you have saved colonies, saved souls, and redeemed those who are hated by others. You have righted many of the Galaxies ancient wrongs. You have defeated enemies that would swallow the galaxy whole. Greed is not in you, but a Code. A silent Oath you swore in a life now dead." She said lightly. "So what is my Judgment you ask?" She smiled sweetly. "That may the Goddess smile on you, and your Star continue to be your guiding light." Samara responded softly, her eyes glowing with admiration.

"Do you always speak in riddles?" Shepard smirked, and she crossed her arms over her chest softening her stance.

Samara beamed. "How else is there to speak when passing Judgment on a life both past and present?"

_How would Samara Judge me now? _El'Jaid thought as she finished wrapping the tunic around her torso. She couldn't help but feel that she was wrapping her own straight jacket around her. That the collar that enclosed her neck felt like an encasement. That the cuffs felt like binders. _I had to make a choice...the few for the many._

"I played God...I have become Death. The Destroyer of Worlds..." She gritted as a wave of pure hatred poured of her. She collapsed on to the bed and held her head in her hands. _I had a chance...I could have made the call. Just that one call!_ Her mind screamed as a tremor ripped through her body.

"Commander." EDI's blue orb bounced in to the room. "The party from the SSV Everest is in the communications room waiting for you." The AI said in a detached tone, and before El'Jaid could ask anything else the orb dissipated.

Part of El'Jaid wanted to ask who was waiting for her. Yet she thought better of it. She need to calm down and get a hold of her self. _It could be Systems Alliance Intelligence Agents, any member from the Admirals and Generals Staff. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if Counselor Anderson was waiting for me. _She thought as she moved to the door of The Loft, and then she froze. Her mind spirited her back to the last time she had seen Anderson.

The view of the Presidium beyond Anderson's office had been as breathtaking as it was structured. Organic as it was planned. As artificial as the 'sun-light' that poured down. At one time she was impressed by it all. Now she detested it. She knew what it was, she knew what it's true intended purpose was. It was nothing more then a vial trap that people continued to live in without as so much of a thought so to it's purpose. This cruel joke of existence, and creation. She had come alone, and had been quickly shuttled in to his office. The shocked and amazed glances she still got from people who recognized her made her shiver. She hoped it was the armor, but in the back of her mind she knew the truth.

El'Jaid hadn't had any contact with Anderson after her first time to the Citadel, and that had been before Horizon.

"Shepard. I am glad you stopped by." The voice behind her was warm.

She turned to see a smiling, but visibly tired Anderson. He walked up along side her and turned his gaze out across the expanse of the Presidium. She continued to look at him, expecting him to say more.

"I want to thank you for your work in the Terminus systems. We haven't had single a report of a Colony attack in Months." He said glowingly, but then his face turned serious. "I also wanted to give you my condolences about the passing of one of your crew."

She eyed him curiously. "Your very well informed Councilor." She said. Her voice sounded strained as she briefly remembered Thane.

"The Council knows. The Alliance knows. I don't need to tell you that information is power Shepard. Your current ship may have the original Normandy's abilities, but you still attract attention where ever you go." He said nonchalantly. "Though...as of late, you have become...harder to keep tabs on." He said cautiously giving her a critical eye. "The moment you arrived on the Citadel, the Council has been wanting to meet with you about Operative Vasir, and discuss her death on Illium."

The air had become like a thin sheet of ice. One wrong move, and it would have shattered. "I gave the Council my report. Wasn't that enough?" Shepard asked carefully.

"The Council just wants more information Shepard. Having two Specters on one operation is rare. Especially when one of the Operatives is killed during the operation. Reports have also been received stating that you were also seen with Dr. T'Soni, and that Dr. T'Soni has since 'disappeared'." Anderson said carefully.

Shepard could tell he was probing and she turned her face to look beyond. " Vasir died when she was protecting an innocent bystander from harm, just like I stated in my report." She responded quickly. "And as I said before; it was the Collectors who were attacking the Colonies. They were working for the Reapers. They were...constructing...a new Reaper from the colonists." She swallowed as she pushed aside images of seeing colonists being 'processed'. She handed him a data pad filled with information EDI had data mined from the Collector base before it had been eviscerated. "So now do you believe me?"

Anderson quickly scanned through the data pad and handed it back to her sighing heavily. "Shepard, I never said I didn't believe you. But you have to understand. The people can't know what Sovereign was. What was really behind the disappearing Colonies. If they did; its the kind of thing that would breed fear and hysteria to the very point which could cause society to collapse..."

Shepard's face twisted in to angry disappointment. "And your just willing to keep the people in the dark? To pretend that the Reapers don't exist? To do nothing about it?" She hissed. Her eyes lit a little brighter with fire.

"That is one concession I have had to give the other Councilors. To agree to...keep quiet...about the Reapers." Anderson let out a breath in frustration as a hand swept over his close cut hair. "Look Shepard. I believe you when it comes to the Reapers. But whether or not the other Councilors do is irrelevant. I also agree with their view point on trying to maintain peace and order right now. I am doing what I can. But, am I willing to keep the public blind and stupid to Sovereign? To protect them from themselves? Yes." Anderson heaved.

"And so you have decided to sell your soul for a modicum of peace? Is that why y_ou_ didn't tell me about Kaidan? What that _irrelevant?_" Her words boiled with acid, as she pushed away from the all too 'pleasant' view.

"Shepard; he was on a classified Operation. I couldn't tell you where he was or what he was doing. I didn't know if it was really you I was talking to. You were reported dead for two years and yet you show up out of the starkness of space. Besides you were seen with Cerberus." Anderson said pointedly as he turned to look at her back.

She clinched her hands in to fists. "I served with you ever since Tanus, _Captain._ I thought I had earned your trust. I thought you were Soldier, a Defender of people. Not a politician." She seethed as she marched towards the door.

"Commander! Shepard! Please!" Anderson called reaching a hand out to try to stop her from going. "At least tell me that your done working with Cerberus..." he cried out desperately.

She turned her fiery head to show him one glowing frosty blue pupil. "I never worked with or for _them_. Even from the very beginning when I woke up to this 'second life'. To me, Cerberus was simply a means to an end. Good day, _Councilor._"


	4. Chapter 4

In front of El'Jaid the heavy steel doors shut the way in to the communications room. She took in a deep breath to calm the entity that roiled in her. She then stepped forward as the doors rolled open, and the sight stole her breath away.

"Commander. Its good to see you in person." The Officer gave her a quick once over with his eyes. "But you look like hell. When was the last time you slept?" The warm, calm voice spoke. The figure was standing at the opposite end of the communications room behind the other end of the conference table holding his hands behind his back.

_I can't remember..._ Her mind creaked.

The Officer standing in front of her was impeccably dressed in Alliance Navy Blues. He wore just his rank stripes, and the name plant on the right breast spoke of the Uniform's owner. But it was all trivial. The pressed uniform, the shines boots, the stripes and the name tag said next to nothing. It was his face that spoke far more than his mere uniform ever could.

El'Jaid quickly snapped to attention, and a Salute. "Admiral Hackett. I wasn't expecting you."

Hackett's face neither hardened, or softened as she spoke, but remained passive. Hard to read, as were all hardened life long military officers who had seen so much of war, death, and secrets.

"Commander you did a favor for me, so I felt that it was only right for me to debrief you in person. " His stance softened. " I also came to thank you personally for stopping the attacks on Humanity's Colonies." But then his gaze turned hard. "Of course that was all before Bahak went silence and reports started filtering in that the Mass Relay was destroyed. What the hell happened Shepard? The operation was supposed to be a basic sneak and grab. You were supposed to get Dr. Kenson out of Batarian custody and return her to Alliance space." He said gruffly as he straightened his stance.

El'Jaid's face seared with flame at his rebuke. "And that is exactly how everything went, till I found out about Object Rho, and The Project."

"So that's what Kenson found. She only reported an incredible find. What was Object Rho and its purpose?" Hackett said with unease.

El'Jaid face turned serious. "My best conclusion is that it was an intelligent homing beacon. It informed the Reapers of a 'safe' access point in to the Galaxy, a side effect is that it sent off a beeping transmission that increased in rate and tone as the Reapers drew closer. It also had the dual function of being an indoctrination device. Possibly to protect itself."

"How do you know that Commander? How do you know that the object was Reaper in origin?" Hackett asked eyeing her crittically.

"It spoke to me as I fought off wave after wave of Kenson's people." She said in a detached voice. "Dr. Kenson, along with everyone else associated to The Project, was Indoctrinated. Object Rho knocked me out with some kind of energy wave and Kensen held me captive for two days. The had set up a timer that was counting down to zero and the Beacon's tone pulses had increase markedly from when I first arrived at The Project, to went I broke free of captivity." El'Jaid said sharply. Her eyes glowed with certainty.

"It spoke to you?" Hackett responded in a surprised and slightly unbelieving tone." You also believed that Kenson was Indoctrinated?"

"Yes." El'Jaid quipped. She didn't want to go in to the details of also 'speaking' with Harbinger, or hearing him when ever she had confronted one of his possessed Collectors. _I don't need him thinking I'm crazy as well. _She thought. "I killed Dr. Kenson when she tried to sabotage The Project."

The air in the room became very tense. Hackett was caught off guard. His face for a moment showed the looks of loss, pain, and anger all at once. Yet he said nothing. El'Jaid wanted to hear him say something, even berate her, but he said nothing. The moments spun like a rusted wheel, but he soon regained his composure.

"Tell me what the purpose of The Project was. Was it just to observe and Study Object Rho?" He breathed.

"No." El'Jaid responded coldly. "The Project was designed to stop the Reapers by destroying the Mass Relay in the Bahak system." She closed her eyes. "I fired the Project. I started the engines that shot the Asteroid into the Mass Relay. There were only moments to spare before the Reapers arrived when it hit and set off the massive supernova."

Hackett's shoulder's slumped slightly, and his eyes became slightly glassy. El'Jaid could tell that is not wanted what he wanted to hear.

"Admiral. I only bought us time...they're coming." She said softly but earnestly.

Hackett pulled his hand up to his head gently rubbing the top of his brow. "...and I don't know if we can stop them if they do come." He said.

His voice betrayed the exhaustion, torment, and the frustration that he had been struggling to contain. He lowered his hand and looked right in to her eyes. The Admiral always had the ability to make someone feel as if he could read their very soul. It was the same look he had given her when she completed the N7 program. When he had met with her after Torfan, and when he presented her the Systems Alliance medal of Duty and Heroism after the battle of the Citadel.

"Shepard. I don't need to tell you how many people were in the Bahak system when the Mass Relay went off." His voice grated. "The Batarians want blood for this. There is enough evidence linking you and the Normandy to what happened in the Bahak system for them to make this a reason to go to war with all of Humanity. It's not just about the Alliance. And if that happens, the Council will not step in. Regardless if your a Council Specter." He took in a deep breath, and lowered his voice. "And you know what will happen if the Reapers catch the Galaxy already embroiled in a war."

And icy dagger struck at El'Jaid's heart. _I did it to buy us time...the few for the many...why didn't I make the call? _Her eyes shone with a shallow and lost blue. "What are you saying Admiral?"

Hackett's eyes went crashing to the desk between them. The long divide. But he brought them back up to look at her square again. "The Parliament sent me to take you under arrest. You will stand trial for Bahak and in doing so avoid war with the Batarians. I can't stop this Shepard. I would if I could, but I can't." He picked his gaze up and looked at her again. "I am asking you to do you duty for the Alliance. I know you have, but I am asking for more because I have too. If I had my way, I'd give you a Medal. I'd even add a promotion to Vice Admiral for all that you have done. But you have also done a hell of a thing Commander."

_I am a lamb for the slaughter... _Her mind screamed.

El'Jaid closed her eyes. Yet no tears came. Only cold swept in to her. She was diminished. She felt the void; the cold of the space the sounded the ship start to creep in. The leeching tendrils feeling ever so sickly familiar. So this was her doom, her fate. For all her deeds both ill and good, she would be tried for the cause, but not the reason. For the initial shock, but not for the lasting effect. _For The Few, but not for the many..._ It would not matter that she tried to stop the Reapers, for what were they to the average person? Figments of imagination and devils from stories long past?

_I'm not a savior...A savior saves all..._

She heard the Admiral walk forward. The sound of his boots heavy and she could sense the he was standing to her left. "Commander. I'll give you some time to settle your business on your ship, and then you'll have to come with me."

_My ship...My ship...What is mine..._

Shepard opened her eyes. They were now a hard red. Hackett had nearly reached the door. Nearly. "Admiral. If I had been in Kenson's shoes. Who would you have sent, if anyone, for me?"

Silence. Nothing. Quiet. But he was still stood there with his back to her. She could hear him breathing steadily. Her question was beyond insubordinate. Never had she questioned him. Never. He could have simply left. Yet he moved none at all.

_And this is all I get? After everything I've done? Say something! _Her mind hissed.

"No one. Your a Specter. Your a N7." He said warmly towards the door. Yet then his tone changed. It was cold. Cruel. His voice was no longer Admiral Hackett; war hero and common soldier's favorite. It was now one of the Council. Of Parliament. Of politicians. "Your a N7. Your a Specter. Your expendable. A celebrity distraction. A convenient scapegoat for avoiding open war. Your not part of the Alliance anymore. Not even really apart of the Specters; but a Mercenary gun for hire who has worked with terrorists. I didn't even know what you had done in Bahak till you told me just a moment ago..."

_I'm something else...I was used...I am done..._Her mind thought solidly.

Shepard turned to face him, her face filled with wrath and scorn. Her presence rose to dominate the room. "Admiral. I appreciate your visit, and what you have done for me. But with all due respect; get off _my_ ship."

Hackett's stature never broke. He never shivered at the towering demon behind him. "I understand Commander." He said serenely and he walked out. She followed him.

Outside the room stood two of her crew. Both armed with assault rifles, and standing at the ready. Two of Hackett's own soldiers stood in similar fashion. The two factions eyeing each other. Looking for weakness. A reason to hate. It was a classic cold war standoff.

"Please escort the Admiral and his people back to their Shuttle." Shepard ordered calmly.

"Yes Ma'am!" They clipped.

The two Alliance marines gave a look of shock, but the Admiral shot them both a remanding glance. They followed behind the Admiral as they were guided away by Shepard 's people.

Once the group had left, El'Jaid steamed towards the elevator. Her face seethed with anger, outrage, and the pain of memory. _They want me tried as a war criminal... _The doors hissed closed. _Three hundred thousand...sacrificed.. for trillions..._ The elevator groaned upwards. _I saw them coming...The Reapers were so close...Too damn close..._The elevator slowed. _Their blood is on my hands...I was used...three hundred thousand gone...My call... _The doors hissed open and she strode forward. The doors to her cabin slipped open as if you escape her wrath. _I have become death. The destroyer of worlds._

She looked to her desk and upon it stood the white frame that held her old dog tags. At one time they hadmeant something to her. They had symbolized a challenge to her. To always do better then what had been done for her. She gripped them in to her hand which throbbed with pain. _I'm a N7...I'm a Specter...I'm expendable...I was used... _Her eyes looked to the glass panes that held the collection of model ships she had gathered over the past year. The same panes that had held Hackett's face when he 'asked' her to go after Dr. Kenson. He had asked her to go, he didn't order her. And like an obedient servant she had complied.

_And they think they can just use me? Like they did before? _Her pupils roiled away as torches of flame and fury. Her scars searing like Hell itself on her face.

"WHY DIDN'T I MAKE THAT ONE FUCKING CALL?" She screamed as she pitched the framed dog tags through the glass and towards her old helmet. Ever since recovering it at the site of the first Normandy it had been a sick reminder. A reminder she was tired of seeing at every waking moment in her room. Time slowed for her as the glass panes, the models, and the white frame exploded in to pieces. Debris flew everywhere. The tags themselves came loose and their chain disintegrated in to shrapnel as they leapt away from their dying container.

It was as brilliant and as harsh a sight as the stars burning in the oblivion beyond the Normandy.

Then, as if to respond to her fury, her cabin shook with an incredible force and the floor tossed below her. The jarring tremors acting on the Normandy around her threw El'Jaid back and she slammed her head against wall. Red is all she saw after that. Red had been the button she had pressed to launch The Project towards the Relay. Red was the armor she wore as she rode the asteroid towards the Relay. Red was on her hands. On her soul.

Then all went black and deaf.


	5. Chapter 5

The situation reports spewing from the various computer terminals said that the situation was dire. Uncontrolled fires were burning on decks eleven, twenty three, and thirty eight.

Decks nine, forty, and thirty were venting in to open space. Weapons were off line. Targeting offline. Engines offline. Communications offline. The reports kept going on and on.

The entire ship was a sitting duck. And he furious.

Klaxon fire sirens blared away as Alliance squads rushed all around him fumbling in the zero-G environment they now found them selves in. The hallway was bathed in crimson. The various leaders of each group screaming over their radios and at each other as they all struggled to try to come to terms with the situation, but as he drew near, rushing hand over hand as he swung himself across the ceiling rails, they rushed out of his way. Normally they would have stopped and saluted, but now they wanted nothing to do with his wrath. Two Lieutenants followed quickly after him, heaving as they tried to keep up with a man over twice their age.

Quickly the filed in to an elevator which started it's swift rise to the command deck.

"What the status!' The older man growled as he firmly gripped a bar keeping his body planted on the floor. His knuckles bore white with rage.

"Admiral Hackett! Sir! We are trying to get the situation under control, but every team so far, besides communications and weapons targeting, are getting false positives! It's like all of our computers were hacked at once!" One of the junior officers said as she fumbled with her omni tool.

"If' it's a system wide virus it won't take long to clean up, but that's not the real problem." The other Lieutenant said, his voice shaking.

"What is?" Hackett gritted.

"The Normandy...Shepard...She got away sir..." The Lieutenant blurted out.

Hackett looked the man right in the eyes as if he was crazy. "You think that is the real problem?" He asked deathly. The junior officer just wilted and withered under his gaze.

"Command deck." The VI sounded, and just as the doors opened Hackett as set off again pulling him self along like a Titan.

The doors to the bridge snapped open, and he plunged in. The lighting was still red and flashing, but the sirens were silent like the dead.

"Admiral on deck!" Roared a Marine. Everyone turned to looked at him

As if on cue, Hackett felt a slight twinge of vertigo, and slammed his body standing tall but still riveting to the floor himself as his arms held on to the ceiling rails. He knew what was going to happen. The VI system was always slow in these kind of announcements. At times we had wondered if it was a cruel joke that the VI programs did just for shits and giggles. No sooner was he standing then the artificial gravity well kicked in. Anything or anyone who was not restrained slammed to the deck floor, or in to walls and terminals. Hackett felt no remorse for the beating the foolish and the stupid had received as he stormed forward.

"Gravity coming back online. Fires contained, hull breaches sealed. Engines online." The VI said in the cruelly neutral voice.

Hackett paid no heed to the VI. He wanted answers.

"Who gave the command to open fire on that civilian vessel." He barked. His voice barely masking his rage.

No one on the bridge responded.

He was loved by the common soldier. He championed their need's in front of the Parliament. Had defended so many from needless bureaucratic scrutiny. He was known as the Hero of Elysium since he led the Alliance Naval Assault that decimated the Slaver Fleet that had tried and failed to make Earth's shining jewel of a Colony fall. But his ire was equally as legendary. All who served with him knew that failure was not an option. Be it following an order, or not following an order. Success at all possible. Failure in any form was never an option. Not to him, and by extension anyone who served with him.

But someone had failed. They had all failed.

Hackett turned and looked at his XO. The Officer was as grizzled as he was, but far younger. Yet he should have still known better.

"Who gave the order." Hackett growled again. He wouldn't ask a third time.

"Please calm down Admiral. Your people were only following orders given to them by the Alliance Parliament ." A polished voice spoke softly.

It was far too polished to be a soldier.

Admiral Hackett turned and saw Advisor Donnell Udina standing near the port bridge windows. His view looking outside to the void. No doubt as to where the Normandy had been just twenty minuets before. He was dressed in a white tunic, matching pants, and pearl dress boots. Around his neck hung the blue scarf of the Council. He also was not alone as a charcoal skinned Turian stood by him. The Turian was dressed in a C-Sec blue uniform. What was out of the ordinary was that the Turian had no facial markings.

Themos Sohmon was his name. C-Sec Agent was his title.

Without warning Hackett spun around and crashed his fist against his XO's face. The officer crumpled to the floor, and didn't rise.

"Never! Never do we fire on a Civilian vessel! Not even when we are fired upon! We are not pirates! We are not Batarians!" Hackett raged at the fallen man. His voice thundering through the bridge.

"I wouldn't call the Normandy a civilian vessel. Admiral. It's commanded by the most wanted woman in the Galaxy." Sohmon spoke softly, ignoring the scene that had just taken place.

"I didn't think that the Council wasn't interested in involving itself in the matter." Hackett Growled. As he spun to his 'guests'.

"As I said before when we met Admiral. It's not." Udina said flippantly.

"Then tell me why is your friend here?" Hackett asked. He had talked about this already with Udina, but had gotten the usual run around. He was tired of playing nice.

"I'm only here to observe Admiral. Nothing more." Sohmon replied.

"That's fucking bullshit and you know it." Hackett fired back.

"Now Admiral. Such language is not needed." Udina chided as he turned to face the seething Officer. "Shepard's actions over the past year have caused the Council great concern. Even more so that she has worked openly with the terrorist Organization Cerberus. Now with the Bahak system destroyed; they want to make sure that the Alliance is making sure that the situation... is taken care of. I am merely here as a representative of both parties, and Agent Shomon here is only here to observe. " He said in a quiet tone.

"Well why don't you contact her and ask her your self, and not use MY ship." Hackett responded heatedly.

"It's not that easy." Sohmon interjected. "The Batarian Hegemony is willing to go to war with the Systems Alliance over this, as if the Alliance's foolish operations in the Bahak system weren't enough. I will not have the Council or the other Council races be dragged in to a conflict that concerns only the Batarians and Humanity." He said acidly and he started to pace back and forth.

"Admiral. You said you could apprehend Shepard without incident. Without a scene. Yet when it was reported to me that Shepard had not come with you; I had to make sure that the Parliament's commands were fulfilled." Udina said simply.

"The Parliament's commands? I'm sure Anderson would love to hear you interpretation of the Parliament's commands!" Hackett lashed out.

Udina's face didn't shake at the rebuke. "And I am sure that Parliament would love to hear of your continued sabotage of law and protection of Shepard. She may be you 'pet project', but this isn't Torfan, Admiral. Nor it is the lull after some great and 'heroic' battle. She's a traitor to the Council and to the Alliance. She has killed over three hundred thousand people and obliterated a Star system."

Hackett's face shriveled in disgust "You don't have a clue about Shepard."

"Is she still going on about 'Reapers'?" Sohmon simply laughed. "She is truly mad. Don't say you believe her." He said menacingly.

Hackett nearly lost it as he stalked up to the Turian and looked him right in the eye. He wasn't scared of the larger Alien. He had fought against them and with them. He knew how to make them bleed. He wanted to make this lowly agent remember his place. But his better part of self caught him as he stood toe to toe with Sohmon locked in a contest of wills.

"Admiral. It really doesn't matter what you think now. We have another option in order to apprehend Shepard. Possibly one that is even better." Udina said sourly.

"What would that be?" Hackett asked.

"Just know that it does not concern you. I believe the time has come for Agent Sohmon and myself to depart. Good day, Admiral." Udina said as he turned on his heel and walked towards the bridge door. Sohmon walking along side him.

Once they were gone the bridge turned in to a bee hive of activity again.

"Sir. Communications are back online." A Communications officer rang, but then he drew silent.

"What is it?" Hackett asked.

"I have a message from Parliament and the Staff of Admirals and Generals." The officer said breathlessly. "We are to report to Acturus station and provide home defense till Shepard is apprehended and her trial is finished..." A wraith of silence ensconced the bridge.

Hackett looked down on the unconscious form of his XO still on the floor. He looked over at the two Bridge guards. "Take XO Huckle to the infirmary, and keep him under guard. Captain Xian. You are here by promoted to Executive Officer of the SSV Everest." Hacket turned and walked towards the door. "Take us home. You have the deck Mr. Xian. I will be in my cabin and do not wish to be disturbed." Hackett said somberly. For that one moment he sounded like an old man.

Hackett shut his eyes as he walked out of the Everest's bridge. Part of him still wanted to scream and throw a chair across the hall. Do something! But he had done all he could for her. He knew he couldn't stop what was happening now. This was the best he could do for her. Letting her go was the best he could do.

_I just hope to God She keeps running..._ He thought.

He walked back down the hallway to his cabin that was near the Bridge. His legs felt like lead weights. His shoulder's were like iron that bowed his back. Crew and security stopped and snapped salutes at the icon they all knew. He replied in turn, but it was slow with sorrow and weak with guilt. The door hissed shut behind him and he engaged the lock. Slowly he drew close to his desk and sat in the old worn oak chair. The desk responded to his presence and his terminal snapped to life. On it was a message he had received weeks ago.

He had read it over and over so many times he couldn't remember. His tired eyes roved over the words again, and they gave him even a deeper chill then when he had first laid eyes on them.

_Steven,_

_My sight is finally clear! After a life time of toil and pain I finally have a reason! The artifact we found is beautiful! I have learned from it now that my first aim with The Project was entirely wrong! I cannot destroy Humanity's last chance at redemption. At being uplifted. I am meant to greet our saviors! If you were here you would understand. Do not fear; the Arrival will happen soon, and then we will be free. We will all be free!_

_Amanda_

* * *

__ I should have probably written this note for the last chapter. But any way, this is how I see Arrival really ending. I just didn't like how Hackett said that the evidence was shoddy at best for Shepard. To me, I think it would only be damning. The Normandy may be able to slip past sensors, but completely evade spy satellites which could be recording anything and everything? I'm not to sure. That, and Asteroids just don't go flying in to Mass Relays ever day.


	6. Chapter 6

Miranda watched as blue fingers reverently moved the few unruly red strands that rebelled from the head wrap. The touch was soft, warm and loving. The room was quiet, save but for the mechanical clicking and beeps of medical equipment paired with the natural melody of organic breath.

The aqua being walked away from the restlessly slumbering form of Shepard and peered down on her. The sleeping woman mumbled incoherently and in a alien tongue as she slept.

"How is she?" The Asari spoke. Her voice was tired, and fill with concerned. No doubt the untimely and long trip had taken a toll on her, but she had come as quickly as she could. She was dressed in a black turtle neck with a pair of baggy tan cargo pants. Both items were slightly large for her, and one could guess where she had procured them.

"Shepard will be fine Liara. She took a rather nasty knock to the back of the head, but I couldn't find any permanent trauma. I did give her a sedative that should allow her to rest for some time." Dr. Chalkwas said warmly.

Liara nodded an understanding but she still peered down at the woman laying on the medical bed. Concern, and worry were still on her face.

"Dr. T'Soni." Miranda breathed cautiously. "I think it's for the best if we allow the Commander to rest. I can have Jacob take you to the Starboard Observation deck where you can stay for as long as you desire.." Her tone was careful. She knew who she was dealing with, but at the same time, she didn't. Liara had changed so much over the past few years that Miranda hardly recognized the Asari in front of her. When she had first met Liara, she had been foolish and in error to think of Liara on the Human terms of just a young woman. Naive, inexperienced and sheltered. But after Liara had gotten Shepard's body away from the old Shadow Broker; and by extension the Collectors, Miranda and Cerberus had come to form an 'appreciation', or rather a 'cautious respect' for the Asari. Very similar in way one might treat a potential threat in an ally.

Now, with the aid of both Cerberus and most of all Shepard, Liara was the new Shadow Broker. She was the Mistress of the Galaxy's most extensive, and intrusive intelligence network. Liara didn't need a vast army or fleet to conquer. She had limitless amounts of information, facts and feeds that could implode every established government and organization.

_...And Liara has Shepard...or is it that Shepard has Liara? _Miranda thought as she looked at Shepard. Bile boiled up in to her throat. The Mission for which Shepard had been resurrected for was complete. The Lazarus cell had succeeded in it's final aim. Miranda should have been elated. Her finest work a complete success. The mission perfectly executed.

Instead she was terrified.

After Shepard had told the Illusive man to go to Hell, or follow her lead; Shepard had worked with Liara to move Oriana and her Family again; away from Cerberus. Now Miranda's sister was safe. Oriana couldn't be used by Cerberus as leverage against her. Oriana couldn't be used against Shepard. Miranda should have been overjoyed. She and her family were finally free.

But she was terrified.

She had seen the Commander work through the war torn station as if it just simple boot camp, and that was after waking up for being 'under construction' for two years. Miranda knew she had been cold to Shepard. She had to be. She couldn't let the Commander know impressed she had been. Or rather how startled she was. Through out the entire expedition after that, a nagging fear continued to grow. An ever increasing trepidation.

It had now amplified inside her to near critical level.

_What have I created? Our salvation, or our destruction?_ She thought.

"...Miss Lawson?" Liara's voice broke through her.

Miranda gave a slight start as she looked up as the Asari. How long Liara had been trying to reach her she didn't know. How long had Liara had looked upon her as the 'cool and calm' Miranda ran around in her own head like a rabid animal; she didn't know.

"..erm yes?" Miranda said as she tried in vain to compose herself.

"The starboard viewing desk will do nicely." Liara said giving her a quizzical look.

Miranda berated herself for letting her mind wander. She looked over to Jacob to took the unspoken request.

"Please follow me Dr. T'Soni." Jacob said politely. He walked over to Liara's duffle back and picked it up. Miranda could tell that the bag was anything but light. Liara then rushed forward, and gently took in back from him.

"I appreciate the sentiment Mr. Taylor. But I am more than capable of carrying my own luggage." She said as she smiled at him and hauled the bag over her shoulder.

Miranda wasn't sure, but she swore she saw the tag of 'SHEPARD' stitched in to the canvas below.

"Please after you." Liara said offering an up turned hand to Jacob. Her tone was pleasant, but tired. Jacob smiled back and led the way as they both departed the Med bay leaving Miranda and Dr. Chalkwas behind with Shepard.

Miranda felt the ghoul of exhaustion as well. But it was mixed with something else. An over bearing presence wallowing in the room. It's nails softly raking across her skin. It's teeth and lips nipping and nibbling on her neck. She wanted to escape, run, hide. Like she had hidden after Bahak. Miranda turned towards the door and she began her stride towards it, but as her first step fell, the door locked. She turned to the windows looking out towards the mess hall as they all shut closed. Her route to safety was cut. Her view of freedom was severed. She was trapped with this fiend that would not let her have any rest. All she wanted was a reprieve.

"Lawson. I thought we could have a private chat." Chalkwas said behind her. The doctor's tone was friendly, but gone was her typical bedside manner as her voice held an icy chill to it.

Miranda swallowed and she licked her dry lips. "Doctor. I really don't think this is the best time. There are reports that need..."

"Oh those can wait I am sure." Chalkwas said as she opened a drawer and removed something.

Miranda was certain she saw a weapon and her instincts started to take over. _No...No I won't be cut down. No here, not be her!_ Her mind screamed. But then she noticed it was only a simple data pad the doctor had taken out and she let out a sigh of relief.

Chalkwas gave her a, quaint, smile. "Tell me, do you know how much Sevoflurane I administered to Shepard just to sedate her?" Chalkwas asked Miranda. The doctor lazily walked up to her, her stature reminiscent of a cat playing with a mouse.

The question seemed simply academic to Miranda. She knew that 2.1 percent was the minimum alveolar concentration of the drug when mixed with pure oxygen to put out an average forty year old adult. Her mind starting working on a number by taking Shepard's body weight, her 'relative' age and the fact that she maintained a heavy regime of physical fitness in addition to her high metabolism contributed by her biotics...

"Ten percent. Lawson. Ten." The Doctor came crashing in.

Miranda's eyes when wide. _Oh my god..._ Her mind screamed. "Ten percent? Doctor! Are you trying to kill her?" She raged, as she rushed over and put her fingers on Shepard's neck searching for a pulse. It was there. Strong and true.

Miranda could almost feel Chalkwas' smile.

"Any less and it wouldn't be enough. The amount has only increased with each application." She slapped the data pad down on her desk. " At first I thought she was getting used to the ever increasing dosages. Or that she was developing a resistance to it." She sauntered over to the chair and sat down. "But I ran tissue samples looking for any traces of the drug after Shepard had been awake for just a few hours. And I found something interesting. No traces existed."

Miranda strained her eyes closed. _Its happening... _She turned to face the doctor who had a serene look on her face. "What do you want." Miranda hissed.

"From you?" Chalkwas said acidly. She shoved the data pad forward catching Miranda's eye. "You could start by telling me why two days worth of data is missing." The doctor breathed. I noticed something when EDI sent me Shepard's medical readings from her armor that I requested. Nearly two days of readings are missing. Unless she stripped out of her armor and decided to enjoy Dr. Kenson's 'hospitality'. That of which I am most certain did not happen, at least not of her own volition." Chalkwas said coolly. "At the same time I haven't found any incisions, or injection sites on Shepard's body that would suggest that she was experimented on."

_Malfunction? No. Live observation? Knowing Shepard not likely. Comparison... _Miranda thought but she said nothing. She felt her heart beat faster at the chilling thought.

"Explaining to me why I have had to put in a continual stream of requisition orders for new instruments when ever I have had to work on Shepard. I've had scalpels, tweezers, even bloody pliers corroding after just one use! Explain to me why I have to use beyond dangerous levels of medication to help her; even if it just to make her rest! Explain to me Lazarus." Chalkwas hissed.

Bile burned at Miranda's throat as the Doctor's words cut deep. She even jumped as she heard Shepard give out a mumbled scream as she slept. "What do you mean 'explain Lazarus'? Doctor you were there for Lazarus." Miranda stated carefully.

"And so I was." Chalkwas said matter-a-factly. "And you gave me everything I needed to know...but not every I _should_ know." She said hinting down at the data-pad. She stood up and walked forward with a slow grace. She passed Miranda by like a wraith as she went to Shepard's side.

Miranda crept forward to the Doctor's desk and looked upon the pad. The sight made her close her eyes in shame. The document that was displayed like an old corpse was complete, but pared down. Whole, but in pieces. Her eyes roved over line after line of 'redacted' information. It was the same data pad she had given Chalkwas years ago. The same incomplete testament about the person the doctor had been charged to heal, and had sworn to protect. She had allowed the doctor to simply fumble in the dark. To get by on knowing nothing about the being in her care. Greif threatened to over take her. The detesting feeling of self loathing. But the fear would not loosen it's grip on her...

Shepard had been brought by for a single purpose. To stop who or whatever was conducting attacks on the Human Colonies. She wasn't supposed to survive. No one who had been apart of the Lazarus cell was supposed to survive. But they had. She had.

The image of the last time Miranda saw the Illusive-man in person flashed in her mind. His face looked calm and collected. But she could tell he was contorted with fear. Not fear of the Reapers, or the Collectors, or of their armies and armadas. But of Lazarus.

Of what it could do.

"Lazarus was an amazing feat." Chalkwas said smoothly. The sound of her voice called Miranda's focus to shift back in to the room where her body stood rooted in place. "Lazarus was also a heresy. What you did flies in the face of every medical and theological theory and idea to date. Ms. Lawson, you didn't save Shepard from her doom. Heroically snatching her life from the very jaws of oblivion. No. You were like a thief. You stole her back from termination. You spurned human kind's mortal enemy. You spat in Death's very face."

Miranda's heart hammered in her chest. _No...I did something far worse..._

Chalkwas stood as Shepard's bed side looking down upon the woman's face. Shepard's beautiful olive complexion was etched by thin red fissures that glowed with the very beat of her heart. "Ms. Chambers...Kelly, has talked to me numerous times about her frustration in dealing with Shepard." The Doctor smiled thinly. "Kelly told me she had never met someone who so intrinsically defied every attempt for someone to get to know her. To try to understand her. Yet at the same time Shepard could purge entire tombs of information and knowledge from another."

"What is it that you want..." Miranda said weakly and quietly. She felt her cold walls shattering under the continual assault of the old Doctor and the essence that filled the room around her.

But Chalkwas seemingly ignored her request. "...but Shepard is a very open person to people she trusts, and who trust her. To her, trust is everything. Everything." She said softly as she reached and lovingly caressed Shepard's face with her hand. Her thumb gently wiping away a tear that streamed from the sleeping Specter's eye. "More that once she has told me she wished she was still dead."

The statement sent a chill into Miranda's heart.

"Just imagine if you will, being recalled to this present plane, and not of your own will. You wake up naked, confused, and completely terrified of your surroundings. And the cruelest part is that none of it was your choice. The ironic aspect is that it sounds very much like a birth. But the twisted part is that you remember everything; everything from your 'past' life." Chalkwas purred.

Miranda's throat was caught in her throat. "I did it...Cerberus did it...there were good intentions...Liara..."

"Don't you dare drag Liara in to this!" Chalkwas scorned as she turned on Miranda pointing a finger sharply at the raven woman's chest. "She may have retrieved Shepard's body, but _you_ are the one who resurrected Shepard. You _used_ Liara's feelings towards _your_ own benefit. Don't you for one moment forget that Lawson. Never."

Miranda's face stung from the verbal slap. But she said nothing to respond to it, except ask her question again. "What do you want from me? Do you want me to explain everything about Lazarus?"

The Doctor's eyes flashed, and a quaint smile returned to her face again. "No. I don't care to learn anything more about Lazarus. Something's are better off not knowing about." She said as she walked away from Shepard's bed side and back to her desk. Shepard's breathing had steadied, her mumbling and whimpers had vanished. For the moment she only slept.

"Then what is it you want from me? If you won't tell me then let me go!" Miranda said tersely, her hands glowing with biotics.

Again Chalkwas ignored her. "The tragedy of being a Military Doctor is that I have seen so many people die on operating tables and in medical beds. The curse is learning to know which ones hold fear in their hearts when they pass and which ones hold to courage."

Miranda looked back towards Shepard and briefly wondered what had gone through the Commander's mind as she drifted helplessly in space. _What was your binding thought to this world?_

"Do you know what fear, real fear, does to a person? It is not mere caution or wariness. Fear causes a person to lock up. To not push on. To surrender rather then fight. To just take what ever is given to them rather then go for what they deserve. I can see this ghost that haunts you. How what Lazarus did, what you did, dominates your very subconscious." Chalkwas said pointedly. "You want everything to be 'prefect'. No 'surprises', everything according to whatever plan you have, no matter how bad the plan is." Chalkwas mocked.

Miranda's heart was pounding in her chest and her hands had long since turned to ice.

"And Miss Lawson, you fall apart the moment that something goes awry." Chalkwas said licking her lips as she enjoyed the moment. "I saw it back when Shepard collapsed after we had came back through the Omega 4 Relay. I've seen it every time you have looked at her since then. That revolting image of fear."

Miranda couldn't speak. It was as if the Doctor had frozen her voice, or filled her throat with cotton. But her eyes betrayed her, and the Doctor only smiled knowing she was correct.

"So all I have to say to you is that you either let go of whatever ghost is haunting you, or simply leave. Shepard needs people whom she can trust. She has no desire or use for simple loyalty, and by extension she has no use for anyone else who cannot trust her. Dark days are coming Miss Lawson, and as you already know; our friends are very few and fickle." The Doctor responded. The look of her face was as solid as stone. Her words cut like steel, and her presence was light as air. Miranda felt as it the Doctor was nothing more then the instrument of the Will that resided steadfast in the room.

Chalkwas reached over and unlocked the door. It opened and light from outside the medbay streamed in. It was a cue that it was time for Miranda to leave, whether she wanted to or not.

* * *

**Author's note: **I'm still working on the Sea and the Rose, but wanted to post this. Hope you enjoy.


	7. Chapter 7

As Miranda walked back to her suite, her face burned at the Doctor's sharp dismissal. She wasn't angry at Doctor Chalkwas, at least not directly. She was ashamed. The doors to her room shut, sealing the rest of the universe out.

"Why is it that I always feel that I need to run to something else bigger in order to find protection!" She screamed to the void of her room. " From my father to Cerberus, and now from Cerberus to Shepard!"

Miranda slumped down in to the chair at her desk and cradled her head in her hands.

"And every time. Every God Damn time, its been fear that binds me. I ran from my father for my life. For Oriana. Then I've ran from Cerberus for my soul. But now with Shepard..."

"...I don't know what I have done..." She let out a violent shiver. "I don't know what to expect. She's just one woman. Just one..."

"And yet...she is more than that isn't she." And bodiless voice spoke from the room. It laughed softly.

At first Miranda was surprised, but then her face contorted in to a sneer. "Kasumi, show your self _now_!"

"Oh your never any fun." The voice replied and in almost an instant Kasumi Goto materialized lounging in a chair just across from Miranda. A smile gracing her face, but her eyes having the look of a feral cat.

Miranda just continued to glower at her. "Get out."

"Humm, what and let you just stew away all alone?" Kasumi goaded not moving. "Tisk, tisk such manners from a properly groomed 'lady'." Kasumi chided.

Miranda sneered. "Your so annoyingly chipper for being nearly vaporized by a Dreadnaught."

"And you make it sound as if the Everest actually would have stood a chance against the Normandy." The Thief said.

"Ms. Goto is embellishing the situation. Engaging the Everest would not have been a wise course of action considering our current situation. I did what was necessary by disabling their shipboard artificial gravity wells, scrambling their computer systems, and then making a 'wild' jump from the area after they opened fire." EDI stated as she appeared in Miranda's office.

"Oh c'mon EDI. You and I know you have more bags of tricks than that." Kasumi said playfully.

"Of course Ms. Goto. I could have disabled the Everest's life support systems, opened the ship to space, or caused some of their loaded disruptor torpedoes to go off. That is of course saying nothing for the Normandy's abilities. But as I said, engaging the Everest would not have been wise." EDI responded.

"Did Admiral Hackett order the Everest to open fire? What did he and Shepard discuss?" Miranda asked.

"Miss Lawson I do not know for certain who gave the order. But according to my the personality model I have on the Admiral; I can estimate with a 98.756 percent range that the order did not originate from him. May I also remind you that your last query asking the same set of questions occurred forty seven minuets ago." The AI remarked sharply. "Before you ask again; No. I will not tell you what The Commander and the Admiral discussed until Shepard is awake. Do no treat me like an imbecilic VI with a programmed circular response pattern. This is not a video game." EDI said tersely but without emotion, and disappeared.

Miranda let out a groan of frustration.

"Oh I do like it when she gets fiery!" Kasumi cooed. "But my. Miranda, I haven't seen you this strung up since the 'night' before we hit the Collectors. You could use a little pressure relief."

"I'm not going to sleep with you." Miranda hissed. She stood up and walked away form her desk. Her head now ached._ I just need to know about Shepard..._ She thought.

"Hummm, dirty girl. I'll let that last comment pass for a Freudian slip." Kasumi said now looking outside the viewport in to the vast openness of space. "Besides your really not my type. I've never been a girl for curves and supple skin. More like toned and muscular. I like being pinned and pleasured by someone with power behind them."

Miranda just looked over and shot Kasumi a disgusted look. "I can't believe that we are even having this conversation..."

"...Now Shepard on the other hand. Uhmm." Kasumi moaned. "if I was a Lipstick Lesbian I'd defiantly go for her..." Kasumi said turning to look at Miranda with a wide dreamy smile on her face. "...if she wasn't taken already that is. I don't think its a great idea to piss Liara off by trying to steal her girlfriend. But what ever rocks your boat."

"I am not looking to...We were attacked by an Alliance Dreadnaught and now all you can think about is sex?" Miranda retorted.

Kasumi's eyes narrowed, their feral image returning. "Beats being terrified."

"Your not at all concerned about what happened." Miranda stated defensively.

"Not nearly in the way you are." Kasumi said again looking lazily out of the viewport as she gently rocked her right leg over her left.

Miranda was slowly starting to feel her temper wither. She was getting tired of having to be the one to know. Things weren't supposed to have gotten this far. By rights she wasn't even supposed to be here. Alive. None of them were. But here she was, and yet she didn't have any idea of what to do.

"You have a gray-box don't you." Kasumi said absentmindedly.

Miranda suddenly became more guarded. "What makes you think that?"

Kasumi turned and smiled sweetly as her eyes swept through Miranda's suite. " It's the way you have things arranged. For me, I have to have all my tools arranged by use then alphabetically, then by size for the job. I also have a very specific way I arrange my tools in my kit. If I don't, my performance is off. To most people I'm sure I come off as completely obsessive and compulsive. But, as you know, it goes far beyond that..."

"...It's how you think." Miranda finished ghostly, and Kasumi's smile only broadened.

"It's a beauty, and a burden. Perfect recollection, but without the wonder and freedom of abstract thought." Kasumi said wistfully as she got up and walked closer to Miranda, but still kept her distance. "You know. I really should be thanking you..."

"Why? For what?" Miranda said skeptically as she took a step or two back.

"If Cerberus hadn't show such an interest in me, I wouldn't have been able to have had Shepard's help with...that little outstanding job I had." Kasumi said in a sultry warm tone.

Kasumi sauntered gracefully over to her. Miranda looked, transfixed by the Thief's eyes as Kasumi gently put her right hand on Miranda's face. Miranda lost herself at the sensation of the warm touch. That oh so gratifying feeling of being alive at feeling the warmth of another.

Than in an instance Miranda was awoken by a jolt of pain as the Larcener took away her right hand and sent her left across Miranda's face. The Thief simply turned her back and slowly took a few steps away.

"What the Hell was that for?" Miranda shrieked. Her voice conveying more shock and surprise than anger and hurt.

"Partially for me, and partially for you. But mostly for Shepard." Kasumi said simply as she turned back around to face Miranda again. She could still see the angry mark her hand had left and she licked her lips lightly as if she had just tasted something delectable. "Oh how the mighty have fallen. Or rather, the egotistical in your case." She said acidly.

"If your just going to continue to mock me, you might as well just leave Ms. Goto." Miranda growled as she tried to regain her composure.

"Leave? You still don't get it do you. You still try to cling to some sort of authority you think you have here, though you have none. I can no more leave then you can. Unless you prefer an evirosuit and a walk out the airlock. Which I am sure can still be very much arranged." Kasumi retorted as she easily slipped against wall and bared her arms across her chest.

"Are you threatening me?" Miranda hissed.

The Thief gave her a vicious smile. "This is very much like seeing a cat play with a mouse. Or maybe its the cat who is enjoying the spectacle as the mouse jumps at it's very shadow. Either way, it's quite entertaining." She laughed softly. "You wonder what happened on Araoht. You wonder what words Shepard and Hackett exchanged. You wonder what drove Shepard to obliterate an entire star system. But in all that you may 'wonder' about, you can't help but feel responsible for it."

Ice struck Miranda. _I am_ r_esponsible..._ Her mind eeked. She had been responsible for lives before. She had been in charge of Lazarus. She had killed before. But...and entire star system was...gone.

Kasumi smiled thinly as she watched Miranda's mind go to work. "You fool."

Miranda looked up to her. A look of being utter lost covered her completely.

"Again you think you have some authority here, but any power you had has long since vanished." Kasumi said airily.

Miranda's eye's sharpened. "You were in the comm room with Shepard and Hackett."

"Ah ever the observant one I see. Two points to Lawson!" Kasumi chided.

"What did he want with Shepard?" Miranda asked desperately.

"Now now, I have to take EDI's side in this. Have to wait for Shepard to wake for the 'big surprise'. Besides, if I don't already want to piss off Shepard's girlfriend; I also don't want to piss off Shepard's Ship. But...maybe I can play a little game of show and tell with you. If your willing." Kasumi said playfully.

"What do you mean now! Do you know how asinine you sound?" Miranda fired.

"Oh don't sound so touchy. Its simple. I show you something, and you tell me if you really think you have any real power left in this little game we are apart of." Kasumi said.

Miranda exhaled in frustration. _Anything to get her out of my sight!_ He mentally screamed. "Fine."

"Good, now do you have a grey-box? yes or no." Kasumi asked in a serious manner.

"Why..." Miranda said.

"That must be your favorite little word. Look I'm not here to mind rape you. Asari do that. And I don't care for any 'little' secrets you have hidden away. Just a simple yes or no will suffice." Kasumi said.

"er..yes..." Miranda offered up, as Kasumi came closer again. Miranda instinctively backed away and fell down on her bed embarrassingly.

Kasumi laughed. "Good this will be much easier, and more...entertaining. Now I just need you to dock with me." Kasumi said as she hit a 'mental' switch that activated her grey box. The implant sprang to life and shaded her eyes in a green visor.

_What do I have to lose. _Miranda thought as she followed suite.

"Visitor code is Ohka Omega." Kasumi chimed.

Miranda knew that a visitor code was a randomly chosen phrase that allowed the 'host' gray box to 'invite' a visiting grey box, be it another person or a grey box reader, in to share and exchange information. The Host still controlled what the information was shown and how it was depicted, and thus the host ruled the 'show'.

The image of the Normandy melted away from view and soon she and Kasumi were in a dead space.

"So glad to know I can still paint a mark." Kasumi said playfully as she quickly searched for the 'files' she wanted.

"Let just get this over with. We have wasted enough time." Miranda hissed.

"Oh and what would you do with your precious 'time'? File more meaningless reports? No this is much more fun." Kasumi retorted. "Ah here we are!"

In an instant 'plates' of memories, information and images spread out from infinity to infinity in front of Kasumi, and she quickly began pealing away the layers of the memories which unlocked the information. Miranda tried to peer closer to get a better look but was shun away by the Thief.

"My, my aren't you a voyeur. I'm sorry Miranda, but I'm not the kind of girl. I like to tease." Kasumi said seductively.

Miranda backed away and felt her cheeks redden. She didn't even want to know what kind of memories the information was wrapped up in. But in a flash 'slides' appeared.

Slides containing very familiar images. Tech schematics, weapons analysis. Samples of a 'tissue' samples taken...

"Where did you get this..." Miranda said ghostly.

Kasumi smiled thinly. " Remember that 'little' job Shepard helped me with? This is the information from my partner's grey box. The partner who was killed by that Bastard Donavan Hock." Kasumi seethed. "I didn't know what Keji had stolen. Neither did he. Well at least not entirely. But this information got him killed." She said as she quickly fanned through the slides.

The images were going too fast for Miranda to keep track of. "Wait Kasumi...Wait! Slow down!" She called out.

"Sorry this isn't for your eyes Miri. But we are nearly...there!" She cried out with glee as she stopped on a 'file' and opened it up. She backed away and allowed Miranda to come close for a better view.

The 'file' started to play. It was memory of a recording on the Presidium of the Citadel. From the image Miranda could tell that the Presidium was still torn apart from Sovereign's attack. It focused on two people. One was Admiral Hackett. The other was a traitor. The worthless sniveling codger who had nearly ruined Lazarus. Wilson. They were talking.

The filed played, but no audio could be discerned.

"What are they saying?" Miranda asked.

"Honey. Meetings like that don't exist. It never happened. Be happy that you have the video." Kasumi purred.

Miranda looked back fixed on the video before her. She could tell that the Admiral was not happy, but at the same time satisfied. He handed over a data pad back to Wilson and looked like he was done with the conversation. She noticed that Wilson then stepped forward, as if demanding something. Payment? A bribe? A threat? Miranda didn't know, but she could have made an educated guess as she saw Hackett grab Wilson and pull him close. After 'sharing' a few words, Hackett tossed the man away and the video stopped."

Miranda had to know. Shepard had shared with her files pointing out that Wilson's hand had been greased by the old Shadow Broker. But why had he met with Hackett? She had never know anything about that meeting. She had known about every coming and going of every individual tied in any way directly to Lazarus. She would have known if Wilson had been on the Citadel.

...She would have known unless it had been hidden from her...

"What was that all about?" Miranda demanded.

"Uh ah. I am not done showing you Miss. Lawson. You tell me. As I said, I like to tease. Act two is starting...now..." Kasumi crooned.

Again Miranda saw Wilson sitting at an empty table. She knew where he had been. Chora's Den. At first she suspected him at ogling the dancers that swayed back and forth in the dimly lit and dingy 'gentleman's' club. But he was soon joined by another person. Miranda didn't know who the new individual was. The being was pressed in a navy pullover hoody and dressed in baggy and torn trousers.

"That must have been his Shadow Broker contact." Miranda said announced.

Kasumi was silent, but held a small smile on her face.

Wilson said a few words to the individual, and responding the individual next to him took out an object. The video froze and zoomed in on the object. As the image cleared up, Miranda saw the Systems Alliance Intelligence symbol on it. It was a badge. A ball of dread roiled up in Miranda's chest as the video zoomed out and continued to play. Wilson and the SAI agent continued to talk, yet at the same time trying to look non descriptive. The conversation continued for a few minuets more, and then the SAI agent handed a small card to Wilson. A credit chit. The Agent got up and walked away leaving Wilson alone at the table.

_They knew..._

The files fanned back to the first of the order and then disappeared entirely.

_They all fucking knew!_ Her mind screamed as the blank darkness of the 'inside' of the gray box faded away. She found herself back in her room on the Normandy. Miranda had her head in her hands. She was trembling with terror. With anger.

"You fool." Kasumi sang softly as she watched Miranda shiver. "Did you really believe that even Cerberus; the Illusive Man, could contain the existence of a Project like Lazarus? Four billion credits spent like water in just two years. Brilliant scientists that simply, disappeared in the night? Did you believe that 'he' would even have wanted to keep it entirely hidden? You were drinking the Topari harder than I thought." Kasumi sniped.

Miranda started to break down. She was shaking uncontrollably, heaving with sobs.

"No Ms. Lawson. You have no authority here. Nothing was ever supposed to go to plan. The moment Lazarus began. The instant your Doctors and Scientists made the first cut. Pushed in the first needle. Your idea of how it was all going to 'go' ceased to exist. Your self garnered sense of responsibility for what happen to Bahak is a waste. As is your fear of _her_." Kasumi said acidly.

Miranda didn't look up. She couldn't face the Thief any longer. "Just go." She weakly said.

"So here we are at the gates of oblivion. I know my part. What is yours?" Kasumi said as she disappeared behind her cloak. The door opened as her imperceptible image floated away.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I wanted to explore Miranda's character a little bit more. To me she always held the feeling that she was hiding a secret about Lazerus. Hence why she acted so cold to Shepard. To me she also seemed to be a little frightened of the Commander as well. For a reason only understood by her.


	8. Chapter 8

The medbay was dim and quiet at that time of the 'night'. The muffled sounds of machines coupled with slumber's breath was all that could be discerned, and the window shutters were still closed giving Liara and El'Jaid some privacy. She sat in a chair next to El'Jaid. Her hand holding the sleeping Commander's as her thumb gently ran circles on the Specter's warm skin. Dr. Chalkwas had long since gone to bed. Liara herself should have been sleeping as well, but her concerned mind could not let her rest.

She had spent the past few hours set up her things in the Observation deck. After that had been completed, EDI had let her in to El'Jaid's cabin. The fish still swam around; oblivious to the world beyond theirs. Liara had done her best to pick up the broken shards of glass and model plastic. She had even found El'Jaid's bent and distorted tags again. She didn't ask anyone what had happened, from the state of the rest of the room, she knew.

Right now she had to be close to her Commander. Her savior. Her love.

As she sat there, every so often El'Jaid would start mumbling, or let out a quite scream in a language Liara knew was Prothean. The sedative that Dr. Chalkwas had administered had worn off long ago. Now El'Jaid 'slept' due to simple exhaustion. But for all intents and purposes she was still gone from the world.

All Liara could do was be near, and for the moment that would have to do.

Liara's eyes went back to the ancient data pad she held in her lap. It had been her mother's and was one of a few things that Liara had taken possession of since Benezia's death. It held the full three thousand chapter text of the Asari Ushiad, which when translated in to standard Galactic was, The Illumination. It was the main theological text for the followers of the Goddess Athame.

Liara's eyes roved over the old, but never dimming display.

_...For rather than give her Joined-Lover as a sacrifice to Lamia; she challenged the Ardat-Yakshi to single combat and slew the wicked creature. And so the Lady Athame was brought before the Grand Inquisition of the Tribes. She was bound and shackled under the charge of Hersey, and for killing their false goddess._

_The Inquisition desired to show Athame as a sham. An apostate to their society. They held anger in their hearts, and their mind's were blind. They now were lost, for they had no one to lead them._

_"Tell me Lady, what defines Good and Evil? What defines Life and Death? Do we truly have souls or are we just shards left to be devoured by the Great Black?"_ _An Inquisitor asked Athame. The rest of the Inquisition stood at their allotted stations in front of their 'chosen' false deity. _

_Athema turned to the young and ambitious questioner. "If you were to kill your sister-kin would that be an evil act?" She asked the inquisitioner._

_"Of course my Lady."_

_"When a flower wilts and loses it's color. Will giving it back to water or earth give it life?"_

_"No my Lady." The questioner responded with certainty._

_"Are you not an individual, autonomous and true until your final day?" Athame asked._

_"Of course my Lady._

_"Then you have either been deceived or have acted rashly." Athema said calmly. "For is it evil to kill a sister-kin to protect your daughter and home? Can you not take the head of the Hai'zu that has wilted and lost it's color and have it committed to water or earth and have it grow anew again? When you Join yourself to another, are you not both made as one from that moment of the joining until the end of time?" The Goddess asked simply._

_The Inquisition's mood turned ill. The Lady's questioner turned angry and lashed out. "Your a trickster! A twister of words! I knew none of the details when you asked for a response to your first questions!"_

_"And you are impulsive and impatient. For I never required a response. I only asked the question. It is sinful to react without knowing all that you can. It is foolish to do nothing when you should act. It is blasphemous to believe that life ends with the Death. Such are my answers to your questions."_

_So spoke Lady Athame. Praise to the Goddess._

"Praise to the Goddess." Liara spoke softly as she set down the data pad and turned to look at El'Jaid. Liara had never been particularly religious. Yet after she had given El'Jaid's remains to Cerberus. She had admitted that she had turned toward the Goddess for answers of some kind. She had turned to the Goddess to find absolution for everything that had happened. Absolution for the friend who had sacrificed himself for her, and Absolution for the woman who lay in the bed next to her. Every time she had read that section of the Ushiad she couldn't help but feel as if she was the impulsive and impatient questioner. Yet at the same time when Liara turned and looked upon El'Jaid, she couldn't help but feel thankful to the Goddess for giving her a second chance. For giving El'Jaid a second life.

_Perhaps I'm not as rash as I think I am._ Liara thought as she gently withdrew her hand from El'Jaid gentle hold and crossed the medbay for some water.

As she withdrew from the dim illumination of El'Jaid's bed, the darkness enveloped her. As she stood cloaked in the dark looking back at the sleeping Specter, a shiver ran through her as a gnawing thought crossed through her mind. _What bound you in the cold void? What kept you here? You said the last thought you had was of me, and the first you had was of me when you awoke...What was that thought?_

As Liara stood there alone, in self imposed silence and exile, the door to the medbay opened up. Her eyes were momentarily blinded. It was like the coming of dawn. But as quickly the doors had opened, they closed again. And Liara and El'Jaid were no longer alone. As Liara's eyes struggled to readjust to the darker atmosphere of the medbay she could hear the soft steps of an individual as they approached closer and closer.

Liara's eyes then fixed on the form of a woman approaching El'Jaid's right side. Her arms crossed in front of her chest as she leaned back and looked upon the sleeping Commander. The intruder's face gave not a thought away. Liara crept closer, but still remaining in the sheath of night. She knew this human woman. She was dressed in a pair of baggy gray sweat pants, and wearing a black camisole.

"Good evening Ms. Chambers." Liara said softly as she walked forward in to the light.

Kelly Chambers let out a quiet shriek in surprise and jumped into the desk near where Liara had been sitting sending Liara's data pad clattering to the floor.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean startle you." Liara said consolingly.

Kelly simply smiled finally recognizing who had accosted her. "It's alright Dr. T'Soni." Kelly kneeled down and picked up the fallen data pad. Her eyes quickly grazing over the text. She stood up and handed the data pad back to Liara.

Liara took it but still held a quizzical look on her face.

Kelly returned Liara's gaze with a small smile. "I couldn't sleep. I had to come and see how the Commander was doing." Kelly sat down in the chair on the right of Shepard's bed and Liara drifted over to another on El'Jaid's left. Liara's eyes looked back to the sleeping Specter's face. El'Jaid's mouth continued to mumble and the look of angst was on her face.

"I'm surprised to still see you awake Dr. T'Soni." Kelly said quietly. "Your trip from Halgalaz must have been a long one."

"It was. But there are times when my mind won't let me rest." Liara responded as she took El'Jaid's left hand in to her right. The look of strain on the Commander's face seemed to weaken at Liara's touch.

Kelly did not miss the change.

"It was a mistake for Shepard to take that call. It was like a relapse for her." Kelly said with a touch of bitter anger on her voice. "Hackett shouldn't have made that call. He had already asked enough of her."

"What do you mean?" Liara asked.

Kelly looked up at the face of the Shadow Broker. And her response was much more careful. "What have you heard so far?"

"Only that the Bahak system has gone silent. The Batarian's are calling for war against the Alliance, and that the Normandy was last seen in the Bahak system by Batarian satellites before all communication with the system was lost. Finding out exactly what happened though is partially why I am here." Liara responded deflecting her interest away from Bahak. She didn't want to hear the conjecture or rumors from anyone else besides El'Jaid. Even it was from El'Jaid's Yeoman. Bahak would wait till she could talk with El'Jaid.

"What is the other part to why you are here?" Kelly asked picking up on Liara's cue.

Liara pulled away slightly and raised her legs up on the seat. She wrapped her left free arm around them, hugging them to her chest as she let her eyes fall. "For two years I couldn't be there for her. For two years she was dead, and I struggled to move forward. I couldn't move forward."

Kelly leaned forward tucking one leg under her body as she listened.

Liara continued. "Some could say...have said...I was obsessed. Maybe I was. I did act rashly. I acted from a point of grief and pain. I reasoned at first that only she could stop the Reapers. I rationalized that by taking her body and giving it to Cerberus, that I has doing it for the best; even though I knew that they would only use her. " She brought her gaze up and looked Kelly right in the eyes.

"And now you don't believe that only Shepard can stop the Reapers?" Kelly asked softly.

Liara winced at the question. "I...I didn't mean it to sound like that."

Kelly just simply sat and listed, silently urging Liara to continue.

"After I left Shepard's body with Cerberus; I hoped that she wouldn't come back. I prayed for her to finally be a peace and rest. I begged Miranda to just leave her at rest. That the price was already far too high for her, and for me." Liara said simply. "When I saw her again on Illium. I wasn't even really sure if it was her. I had reports saying that she, or someone trying to be her had been seen. Sounded almost like a extranet rumor, and I took it as such. For two years since I had left Shepard with Cerberus I heard nothing. I had sent out feelers looking for any information, but after a few months of finding nothing new; having no indication whether or not Cerberus had been successful, I gave up. I was shocked that she was standing, literally standing in front of me in my office on the Trading floor. Yet I still could not believe it was her. Even when she helped me rescue Feron, I still didn't truly believe it was her. I know modern day science can repair a body. That any VI can imitate a famous person reasonable well. But I didn't believe that the dead could be brought back to life. Honestly I'm still surprised by it." Liara said and she softly rubbed El'Jaid's hand with hers.

"You wonder how can a soul comeback to life." Kelly stated simply. Liara gave a slight wince affirming Kelly's insight.

"I don't know much about the many Asari philosophies, and even less of the Ushiad, and I am not a theologist by any means." Kelly stated softly. "And I know that Shepard is not particularly religious. But to most Hindu's, when a person dies prematurely their soul enters a state called the Subtle Body and remains there until the time of their life is done. Until that time, they believe the soul will try to reenter the body if it can."

Liara listened turning over what she had just heard in her head.

"What little I know of the Ushaid, it speaks that if a person dies in agony, their last thoughts can rivet their soul in this plane, rather then returning to Athame." Kelly continued.

Liara's brows furrowed in disdain, and her body shivered.

"That upsets you, doesn't it." Kelly said consolingly.

"She told me that when she died, the last thought she had was of me, and the first thought was of me when she woke. I don't want to be the reason; the cause of her agony. She deserves more than this. She deserves rest." Liara hissed.

"And what if you are?" Kelly responded, her tone turning hard. "Does it matter now? Here in the present? With all that has happened. The mission to stop the Collectors, helping you take up the mantel of Shadow Broker and now with Bahak; it only makes me an even more firm believer that wishing for things to go back to how they 'were' is foolish. All we have is the present and all we can do is work in the now."

Kelly steepled her finger's in front of her mouth letting a few moments of silence pass by. "I don't mean to pry, but do you believe that Shepard is who you remember her to be?" He asked delicately.

The question was rhetorical. Liara knew what Kelly was hinting to and she didn't want to respond. The fact that she could touch the very fiber's of El'Jaid's being meant that she had an insight to El'Jaid that few others had. Something's, and some experiences were just private.

"I don't make it a habit of talking about my patient's, even to loved ones. And I don't make it a habit of talking about private matters unless the other person is willing to. But, on a professional level; Doctor to Doctor, I don't need to tell you just how fragile Shepard is." Kelly quipped. " She has always been a text book case of PTSD. She copes very well through heavy regime of exercise, and by focusing on her duties. She has also avoided the pitfalls of substance abuse. But as far as I can tell, she has always refused treatment of any kind beyond what she can do for herself. And that was well before the beacon at Eden Prime. " Kelly quipped sourly as she looked up the ceiling. "I'm asking for your help and insight."

Liara's frown deepened slightly, but she relented her silence. "Yes...and...No. When we last...joined, I could feel her. I knew the she _was_ her. But at the same time she was different. Changed. I can't really explain it other then say that I knew it was her, but different. Alien. She just wasn't simply...she's not just Shepard." Liara said clinching her body closer together, but even still she refused to let go of El'Jaid's hand.

"Every time I've tried to 'talk' with her, she turns it on it head and aims everything I'm using on her right back at me. She treats it like a game. Damn frustrating. Yet with you; I can tell she is different with you." Kelly said looking back to Liara.

Liara diverted her eyes and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Perhaps its the classic example that opposites attract. In this case almost literally." She responded.

"Perhaps. But I don't believe so. When she met you, you didn't represent any faction for her. You represented something that she possibly feels she can never have. Freedom, safety. A blank slate. A chance to start over." Kelly said lackadaisically.

"What? I don't understand." Liara was lost.

"When Shepard met you, you were researching the Prothean Ruins on Therum. You didn't represent a government, faction, or company. You were just following something you loved. Did you know that Shepard wanted to study linguistics after she graduated from high school?"

"I...no. I didn't. How do you know?" Liara asked surprised. She knew El'Jaid liked books, and history, but had never really inquired as to why.

...she had never really gotten the chance...

Kelly gave a small smile. "Cerberus has a very detailed bank of History when it comes to Shepard. They needed it when bringing her back. And since I was to be her counselor, I needed to know as much as I could about her. I read a transcript of a physiological evaluation of Shepard right after Mindior."

Liara shut her eyes. "By the Goddess..."

"Instead of following her desire, she bound herself to the Alliance. An establishment to which she harbors a lot of anger and pain towards. And why? Because she wanted to make it better. More effective. She didn't want another Mindoir to happen. She doesn't want another person like her." Kelly responded in a clinical manner, and she stood up. Her time was over.

"So what...what now? Should she just continuing to run from the Alliance? Liara asked.

"That is an option, though not a likely one." Kelly said as she started towards the door. "Shepard is convinced the Reapers are coming, as am I. But it is all a matter of when. No one knows. But she will need the Alliance to fight them. At the same time keep in mind Dr. T'Soni; that the Alliance, and the Council do not and will not take kindly to Shepard's message. Things will get much, much worse before they get better."

"Then what else should I do? I will help her fight the Reapers, I can force the Alliance to listen. I can..." Liara said hurriedly, but Kelly cut her off.

"If you want this. If you want her. Be there for her. Treat her like you always have. A person. Many people already don't, and many more, won't. If you want her, you can't turn back now. You can't run away." Kelly said forcefully.

"I don't run..." Liara growled in indignation.

"Good, because the nightmare is far from over." Kelly said as the med bay doors opened like heaven's gates again and she was gone.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

El'Jaid Shepard is half Hindu-Indian (Mother's side), and half Scotch-English (Father's side).


	9. Chapter 9

Jacob stood standing just outside the Medbay. Kelly had come by wanting to know how Shepard was. He hadn't been concerned about her so he simply let her pass. He had another person he was setup for someone else. A hellion only he could handle, and he didn't have to wait long. The mess hall was quiet, and vacant of anyone else besides Gardner and himself, and he knew the recreant would turn up soon.

He was pissed. Pissed at the Alliance, but that was nothing new. He would have been pissed at Cerberus, but that was taken care of. But right now he was pissed for who he was waiting for. Honestly he didn't even want to deal with the being, but if they showed up, he would.

His patience was unfortunately rewarded when the figurine slumped out of the Executive Officer's cabin. It was dressed in a pair of baggy jeans and a black jacket with the arms cut off. Oddly enough, it also 'walked' around barefoot.

"Evening...do you need something?" A be wildered Gardner tried to speak to the teetering jumble. But it responded not at all as Jacob continued to watch it move towards the medbay using the Mess Hall walls and rails table to steady itself.

"Just go away. You look like hell. Do us both a favor and go back to your room..." Jacob spoke softly as he stood in front of the medbay doors like an Overlord, and paid no heed to the miscreant as they stumbled forward.

"I wan..speak to...Sheepard..." The drunk spoke as she stood in front of Jacob.

The stench of drink assaulted Jacob's senses. This wasn't the woman he had known over the years. Respected. This creature was a wobbling shell wearing her face.

"No." Jacob responded as he bard his arms across his chest and widened his stance.

"I'm second of...command...I order you." The creature stupidly growled.

"I said no. Get some rest Miranda." Jacob said flippantly trying to brush her off. But he was losing his patience.

"Move...Jacob." She said as she tried to slip around him. He simply grabbed her and pushed her away.

"Get..you fuukin..han off me!" She cried as she rushed him again. This time he 'pushed' her gently back with his biotics. She landed hard against the wall.

"Your not seeing Shepard now. Kelly is with her currently." Jacob said with a stony confidence.

Miranda's face screwed up in anger. "Sooos Kellys screwing Shepard, and not her little blue whore huh? Out of the way!" Miranda chortled as she tried to us her own biotics on Jacob. But he was faster as he 'grabbed' her feet and 'pulled' them out from under her. Her back slammed on the metal panels of the floor and she was dazed as Jacob stalked up to her.

"I've had enough of your bullshit..." He said as he grabbed her back the neck of her jacket and startled to drag her across the mess hall. He looked over to a shocked Gardener. "Coffee, black, strong and hot."

"Ahhh right...sure thing!" Gardener quipped as he crashed in to action swinging open cabinets.

Miranda started to struggle under his hold as he rounded the corner to the bath rooms. "Jacob let me go this instant!"

Jacob stopped and quickly hauled Miranda over his shoulder. "Ah so knocking some sense in to you does work! Your starting to form complete sentences now." He retorted.

"Fuck you!" Miranda yelled as she proceeded to slam her fists on his back. Not the it did any good.

The door to the crew quarters opened and Operative Wallace stumbled out, and wide eyed by the spectacle. "Everything all right?" She asked.

"Just peachy. _Director_ Lawson just needed some help getting to the showers.": Jacob responded as he strode past the Operative and walked in to the showers with Miranda still hung over his shoulder like a coat.

"I DO NOT!" Miranda screamed as the bath room doors closed behind them.

"All...right.." Operative Wallace said as she turned around and went back to bed.

Once inside the bath room Jacob unceremoniously dropped Miranda in to the shower. She continued to hurl more insults as he kept her pinned in place with his biotics.

"Jacob. These are the woman's bathrooms." EDI responded smartly.

"EDI." Jacob said annoyed.

"Yes Jacob?" EDI responded.

"Do me a favor and just shut up right now." Jacob said as Miranda struggled to get up, and he quickly retrieved a hypo-injector from his tool belt and slotted an emetic in place, and he let Miranda go.

After a moment of stunned silence the AI responded. "Of course Mr. Taylor."

When he looked up he was eye to eye with an enraged woman. Miranda quickly spanned off a punch to his face, and his head snapped taking the blow with ease. _S'all good. Let her get off some steam..._

Miranda sent off a second strike, but he was waiting this time. _But number two is going to cost ya. _He grabbed her right arm with his left, and he quickly struck with the hypo injector into her arm. She recoiled back and hissed at the pain. At first she was able to steady herself, but the drug's effect didn't take long. She soon found herself on her hands and knees heaving the contents of her stomach on to the floor of the shower.

"Your getting predictable and sloppy Miranda. Your pissing me off with how unglued you have become." Jacob said as he wiped a bead of blood from his mouth.

Miranda shivered. "What do you know about it! Look at what Shepard has done!"

Jacob tossed a disgusted look at her as he stepped forward and slammed a fist down on the shower's controls not responding to her.

Miranda howled as liquid spikes of freezing water began to drench her. In turn she dry heaved again. "You...bastard..." Is all she managed to get out.

"Yeah tell me about it." Jacob said flippantly.

Jacob turned off the water before hypothermia set in, but only after he was satisfied that Miranda had been thoroughly soaked. He stepped in and gruffly hauled Miranda to her feet, and in the process gave her another hypo-injection.

"Ow! What the fuck was that for now?" Miranda yelled between her chattering teeth. As she struggled under his hold.

"A shot of vitamin B and D, because God knows that your 'sunny' disposition could use it." Jacob spat as he reached for a towel and wrapped it around her. She tried to let out a knee shot in to him, but he easily blocked it. "Now now. Behave, or I'll continue carrying you around like the sad sack you are right now. He said as he proceed to cuff her hands behind her back. "I can't believe I'm having to treat you like a child."

"Oh like you would really do this to a child." Miranda hissed.

"Your right I wouldn't. A child would actually listen. And your too old for me to put you in time out." He responded as he roughly corralled her through the door.

"I don't get it Miranda. I don't get it. I would think right now after all we have been through, you would at least be smiling like a lunatic. But No. You have continued to act the same way as you did after we came back from the Omega 4 relay. You have the look of death on you."

"And your not the least concerned over what happened in Bahak." Miranda seethed as Jacob walked her back to her room. She was still shivering and sopping wet. Again he didn't respond.

The doors to her cabin opened and Jacob turned around a chair and forced her to sit down. Miranda just glowered at him as she tried to kick him again, and yet again her maneuver was checked. But Jacob had to admit she was feeling better, or at least had better control over her body then she did before.

"So what. Are you putting me in time out now?" Miranda hissed.

Jacob uncuffed her hands, but then latched them both to her chair. "Something like that. Just sit tight and cool off for a moment. I'll be back and then we can talk."

He turned on his heel and walked out of her cabin as Miranda continued to scream hurl obscenities at his back. At least this time he could understand her completely. _Yes she is feeling better..._The doors hissed shut and Jacob gave out a relieved sigh, and he walked over to Gardner.

"Everything alright Mr. Taylor?" Gardner asked still wearing a look of bewilderment on his face.

"Just peachy. Do you have that coffee ready yet?" Jacob asked as he sauntered over to the kitchen island.

"Right here sir!" Gardner quipped.

"Good. Two cups, and a thermos." Jacob said.

"Any sugar or cream? You know how much she likes her sugar and cream." Gardner said.

"No. Tonight she will have it straight and black." Jacob responded.

For a second Gardner stopped in his tracks and held a look on his face as if he wanted to say something, but instead he thought better for it and held his tongue. Soon Gardener had the tray ready for Jacob.

Jacob took the tray and started on his way back to Miranda's cabin, and then he looked down at the tray. "Gardner. One more thing. I'll need a straw. A long one."

"A straw?"

"Don't even ask..." Jacob said with a heavy sigh.

"...Ah...right!" Gardner replied quickly as he fetched one from a pantry.

Jacob was soon on his way again and when Miranda's doors obediently opened he was greeted by a sobbing wet lump where a fiery raven had once been. _Great._ _Now she's crying...I almost wish she was kicking and screaming again._ He thought as he came in and set the tray down on a near by table stand.

"I failed...I failed...I created a monster...I tried my best...but I failed..." Miranda kept repeating between heaves of air.

The image of self pity was grating on Jacob's last nerve as he set the tray on the desk. He then sat down across from Miranda. "You think you failed. What do you call the woman that lies in the medbay? A failure? Did she 'fail' just because she brought everyone back from the Illusive Man's 'suicide' mission? Is that really failure?"

"Doesn't what she did to that star system mean anything to you?" Miranda short back as she just continued to sob and shiver.

Jacob took a deep breath and relaxed for a moment. "Over three hundred thousand people gone. An entire solar system gone." He let his gaze fall to the desk. "I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it. Yet, considering that she is the Butcher of Torfan, and now had added the Collectors to her score card, I can't say that I'm surprised." He responded somberly. "But at the same time; doesn't what she did for you and your sister mean anything to you? Doesn't that tell you something about her?"

But it seemed as if Jacob's words fell on deaf ears as Miranda just sat in front of him.

Petrified. She was stark raving petrified. That would get him no where and nothing.

"I should thank you..." Jacob breathed. "You know, for helping me with the Gernsback. Thanks to you, Shepard and I were able to help the remaining crew members off that planet and get some help." He finished as he stood up and walk to over to prepare some cups for them both.

Miranda looked up at him with red eyes. "But I thought...Shepard said that you found your father..."

Jacob let out a joyless and callous laugh. "No." He walked back to the chair and set both cups down, one, which had the straw, in front of Miranda. "I found a man that called himself Ronald Taylor, supposedly he was 'the acting Captain'. Hell, he even looked like my father, if my father would have been as old as that guy was." Jacob said as he took a seat across from her. "No Miranda. What Shepard and I found was, to put it mildly, a gross breach of Authority and Trust." Jacob looked down at the cup of black coffee, and he clinched it in his hands as he continued. "The man had set himself up as some kind of Feudal Lord. Using the women as he saw fit."

"What...what did you do..." Miranda asked breathlessly.

"Truth is though, while I was disgusted, Shepard embodied rage. I have never seen her so pissed." He said as he took a drink. "I can't even tell you where that came from with her. Usually she colder than you when we're in action. Calculating. Always the tactician. But something about that entire situation made her nearly lose it."

Miranda shifted uncomfortably in her chair and she listened.

"Now what happened to _Captain Taylor_? Shepard and I left the guy surrounded with the demons of his own creation and a pistol with a half clips worth of thermal power." Jacob let a smile crawl across his face. "If you ask me Shepard was merciful to him. He was left with an option; which is far more then what he ever gave his crew."

Jacob sat back in the chair. "Now Miranda tell me. Would Shepard had been _that _angry if she was the monster you think you have created?" He said darkly.

Miranda shivered, and she took a sip from her straw."...Niket. She stopped me from killing Niket."

"I know Miri. I was there. I for one am glad she stopped you. Like Shepard said, you don't need that weight on your soul. She also said that you needed to talk with your Sister, even when you didn't want to. Don't tell me for one second that was not the right thing to do." Jacob responded.

Miranda broke down again as another wave of emotion broke over her. "I should...I should have listened to her, damned Asari. Damn their foresight! I should have listened to Liara. Shepard should never have...She's not human..." Miranda slurred as she slumped forward, fast asleep.

Jacob let out a heavy sigh. "I know." He said as he stood up and walked around Miranda's desk and undid the binders. "There is no way that she ever will be, and I have a feeling that Humanity wouldn't stand a chance if she was."


	10. Chapter 10

Her lungs burned from the smoke and ash as she pushed forward through the rubble. _Keep moving...just keep moving..._ Her mind rushed as she pulled her self through a hole in the deck.

The station was immense. Just how big she didn't know, she couldn't even remember how she had gotten here in the first place.

_All I remember is that the Normandy was attacked..._

_I was attacked...by an Alliance dreadnaught..._

Her mind spoke as she tried to retrace her steps back to the beginning. But that is all she could recall. She coughed as she slowly tottered down the dimly lit corridor.

_Where am I?_

"Damn it Shepard! Get going! Get to the shuttle. You don't have much time left!" Miranda blared over the comms.

"Wha..." El'Jaid shook her head as she tried to move faster, but her limbs felt like lead.

"Shepard..." An ethereal voice called to her.

El'Jaid snapped her head around, but she saw nothing.

"Don't listen Shepard...its a trap..." The voice came again.

El'Jaid then turned her head forward and saw a familiarly feminine form outlined in the low light. "Who are you?" She commanded. She couldn't tell if the form was human, or Asari.

She drew closer to the apparition, and it's image seemed...fuzzy. It was shifting, and unclear to her. But as she pressed in further for a better look the head crest of an Asari became evident. The figure was dressed in a long flowing gray robe. The Asari turned it's head, and it's face became much more evident.

"Shiala?" El'Jaid asked suddenly froze. _This is a station...not Feros..._

The Asari gave a small smile and started to walk calmly forward. "Follow..." Is all that she said.

At first El'Jaid didn't want to follow. Something was out of place. So many things seemed out of place. As she watched the Asari move forward, the creature's image again grew fuzzy, at times distorted.

But she followed anyway.

Heavy sealed doors opened in to an open room. El'Jaid could see no windows that lined the circular space, only a sickly white light shinning in the middle. The Asari sauntered around the boundary between the lighted floor and the darkened edge. Something pulled at El'Jaid's mind, whispering to her to move forward in to the light. At first she resisted, like she had when she had been at the doors, but then her feet gave way to a will of their own.

"Shepard! Where are you! I'm not leaving with out you!" Liara cried through El'Jaid's comm unit. She sounded desperate.

El'Jaid spun around looking for the Asari in the room. She couldn't see anyone else. She was alone.

"Liara! Where are you? What's going on?" El'Jaid bellowed. But there was no response. The comm was silent. El'Jaid's mind felt fuzzy and murky.

"Why do you call out to them?" A voice, an oh so familiar lost voice rang out. "They are but ghosts who entice you with wreathes of friendship and visions of love, but run to black when you try to face them." It hissed.

El'Jaid looked to her left, and her eye caught the willowy female form again. But it had changed. The Asari crest was gone, replaced by a head of raven black hair pulled in to a tight bun.

"Ashley?" El'Jaid breathed. "Your a ghost..."

"And you were dead." The human woman replied. She continued to circle in the dark while she peered at El'Jaid who was rooted in the circle of light. "And yet, when given the opportunity for singular immortality. To rise above all; you turned it away. I am curious as to why."

As El'Jaid continued to gaze at the figure, the woman's face would flicker. It would briefly display an horrid inorganic visage and then would return to 'normal'.

El'Jaid changed her stance to be ready for a blow. Her eye narrowed at the walking effigy before her, and she did not allow it to stray from her sight. "What are you."

"So asks the Being in front of me." A warm fatherly voice called from behind her.

El'Jaid snapped her form in the direction of the voice.

This figure's stark white and neatly trimmed goatee stood out from his face. He wore a crisply cut military hat, and his outfit was that of a firmly pressed military uniform.

"YOU!" El'Jaid screamed in distain. She clinched her fists in rage, but found she could not move. Hate seethed in her. Had she know what would have happened to her crew, her ship.

"Tell me again why you destroyed that star system. Tell me again why those people burned." The figure called out to her.

El'Jaid's face turned in to a sinister snarl. "Did you listen to anything I said? The Reapers were coming! It was either kill three thousand lives for the sake of trillions or lose it all!"

"You treat the Reapers as if they are a true threat. Yet you have never truly met one. You fear out of response and not of true knowledge. All you have are images and confused memories from a people long since given to the deep sleep. History has shown that all the great civilizations rose from ashes. Who are you to say that it would not be the same if the Reapers came to simply collect what they have sown?" The woman spoke from the shadows. "You were given an opportunity of Singular Immortality, and yet you threw it away. Why? Wouldn't immortality be preferable to the cessation which you have already experienced?"

El'Jaid's mind was caught. Death. She knew of death. She was a dealer of it. She had worked in it's shadow for over half of her life. She had been taken by it, and resurrected from it. Yet she understood Death not at all.

As she stood there in the sickly white, she could remember how her body felt as it was slowly choked of life by the void. How her very breath was stolen away by nothing, and how the vacuum's cold seeped in to her very core. A shiver racked through her body as she struggled to keep up her stance.

But still her mind could not comprehend the very thought of Immortality either. Of what that would mean. Being immortal while still existing on a mortal plane seemed, unfathomable. Heresy. El'Jaid closed her eyes. She has been trapped and sedated on that damnable asteroid. That cursed rock. Now it become clear to her why she had not been simply killed, or dissected like a lab rat.

No, they wanted her whole and true.

_If you cannot befriend your enemy, subjugate them. If you cannot subjugate them, kill them. If you cannot kill them..._

_Convert them._ Her mind whispered.

She lightly licked her dark amethyst lips. Never again would her lips be the color of flesh like they had once been. She felt her fingers move, their fusion of bone, muscle and metal working together in perfect harmony. Never again would her hands be solely that of an untouched person. She knew that her mind would never again be human, for she had 'seen' too much.

Yet in knowing all of that, immortality would never be apart of who she was. It was too foreign, too alien.

She turned and locked her eyes with the woman. "I refuse to exist beyond usefulness and relevance. To outlive life and to continue to exist as a sliver of a shadow feigning life as magical animation. To function beyond the lives and love of comrades, friends...and family."

"You have no family El'Jaid Shepard. You have no one to call home." The woman hissed.

"Then you know nothing of me, and I name you false!" El'Jaid fired back.

The woman shrank away from her sight in to the shroud of darkness.

El'Jaid then sensed a new entity enter the Sanctum. It's foot steps were as silent as a the dead. It's presence oddly familiar, but she had never met this being. Yet she felt that she was kin to it even though they looked nothing alike.

"Would you burn every world to stop them?" It asked. It's voice ancient, and unrecognizable. Indiscernible between male and female.

"Yes." El'Jaid responded, the hardness of her face unrelenting.

"Would you pursue them relentlessly without benefit of title or reward?"

"I have no use for titles. This second life is my reward, and my curse." She answered.

"Are you willing to give up everything to stop them?" The being asked.

The question seemed simple, yet it was complex. Easy, but difficult to respond to. El'Jaid was willing to torch worlds asunder. Shatter entire fleets. She was willing to pay the needed price if it meant that the Reapers would be stopped and that life as it was, as she knew it, would continue.

Yet there were things that she was unwilling to sacrifice. She understood that sacrifice at any cost would make the victory meaningless and empty. As such it would be no victory at all. The willingness to sacrifice everything for the sake of nearly nothing was pointless.

"No." She answered deathly. "I will not sacrifice that which I fight for. What I want."

For a long stretch of time there was silence in the sanctuary. El'Jaid stood fully before the Being. She could tell that it was weighting her response within it's mind. She was unsure how the creature would react. She knew it had giving it's all. To some, the being was the supreme example of Sacrifice. To others, the model of desperation. The example of a last ditch effort to secure some semblance of a victory, no matter how empty it was.

How would it weigh her words? What would be it's judgment?

It looked back at her. It's eyes peering in to hers. It walked ever closer, but never entered into the circlet of light. It's presence to El'Jaid was comforting and astonishing. She felt both a stranger and blooded to it. She understood the creature completely. She knew everything about it.

"Then..." The Being started out slowly. It's voice gently hissing. "We are in agreement."

Light slowly drowned out El'Jaid's vision, and the vista before her washed away into a sea of white.

[][][][][][][]

The first feeling she had of autonomous life was the breath that filled her lungs deeply. The cleansing, filtered life flowed in to her very being. The first sight of autonomous life was recognizing that she was in a medical bay. Yet it was unfamiliar to her. It was dark. She couldn't tell if there were any windows.

_Where am I?_ El'Jaid's mind asked groggily as she pulled herself up. _No restraints_ she noticed as she swung her legs over the medical bed's edge.She looked around, but nothing familiar called out to her. It looked all the same as almost every medical bay to her had. _At least the Normandy's felt less...clinical...with the windows..._

Immediately terror gripped her. _The Normandy's been taken, and I'm on my way to Earth, if I'm not already there._ She thoughts as she slipped on to the cool metal floor. El'Jaid stealthily pass across the room to the door. _Unlocked. What is this? Someone has been lazy. If I'm on board the Everest, I'm going to pay Hackett a little visit. _Her mind hissed as she took in a breath to steady herself.

Her mind snapped into action. Even if the door has been left unlocked and her not confined to the bed, El'Jaid knew that there had to be a guard on the other side. First she needed to take care of that. She also wanted information, and as a bonus she could use the guard as a hostage. From there she would determine how best to use her reluctant companion.

_It has to be quick._ _Flawless. One mistake will either mean a cell or a shot to the head. But I have to get out. I had to get to my crew, or at least find out what happened to them. _

_Move._ Her mind commanded as she took one step forward to order the door to open. And as it obeyed her order time slowed. Just beyond them her prediction was rewarded. An armed guard stood with his back to her. He held an Avenger Assault rifle lazily in his hands, so he had been caught napping. His hair was a sandy blond formed in to the neat standard military cut. He was roughly 6 feet tall, so he held a height advantage, but she could work with that.

_Besides. A little extra cover is always a plus._ She smiled.

As soon as the doors gave her enough room to move she rushed forward and kicked his left leg out from under him forcing him his to fall back. Then not a nano-second later she had her left arm around his neck and his side arm in her right hand forcing uncomfortable in to the man's rib cage.

_Perfect._ Her mind purred as the man try to gurgle out a remark.

"Shh." She hushed as she tighten her hold around his neck a little, and dug the pistol even more in to his side. Her eyes never leaving his. _How familiar. _She thought. _But no matter._

"How about we play a little game humm?" She sung softly relaxing her grip on his throat so he could talk.

"Wha...What?" He croaked.

"It's called take me to your leader." She hissed.

"Ah...but...Ma'am." He said struggling to speak. "That's...you."

"Need some tea Commander?" A familiar voice called out wearing a face of surprise and shock.

_What?_ Her mind caught as she looked up for the first time to take in the rest of the visage around her. The sight, and Gardner's response hit her like a grav-train and an antique Mack truck combined.

El'Jaid winced. _Oh shit. Hadley. Operative Hadley._ Her mind exhaled as she gently let her 'prey' go. _Fucking perfect indeed! And 'take me to your leader'? Where the hell did that come from?_

Hadley stumbled forward still stunned. El'Jaid could tell he was bewildered from being accosted by his own commanding officer.

"Ah...sorry 'bout that." El'Jaid responded sheepishly.

He only looked back at her in shock and awe.

El'Jaid slowly walked over to where Gardner stood, she could feel fire in her cheeks.

Gardner regarded her carefully. "Are you alright Commander?"

She sighed as she slowly walked over to the kitchen counter where Gardner stood dutifully behind. She leaned against it resting her elbows and putting her head in her hands. "My head feels like it's been used as a basketball by Grunt and Jack, and the last thing I remember is the Normandy pitching under me and throwing me in a wall like a bad roller coaster ride."

"Well Commander, there are few others who would be able to say that they were on a Frigate, had a Dreadnaught open fire on um, and have lived to tell about it. No sooner did the Admiral's shuttle leave the bay than the Dreadnaught opened fire on us. Now I've never been one for VIs or anything artificial that can out think me, but EDI really pulled that fat outa the fryer for us. " Gardner went right in to action as he rummaged around the cupboards. "Now where did I put that...there we go!" He remarked as he triumphantly pulled a small bowl from the very back of the drawer.

"What did EDI do?" El'Jaid asked as Gardner turned around and set the bowl down on the kitchen island.

"Took a page from Joker's book and made a wild FTL jump. Left that oversized bath tub in the dust." He said warmly. "You were found unconscious...again, and brought to the med bay...again." Gardner stated with a twinge of amusement and he turned and started searching in the fridge.

"Thanks for the reminder Mr. Gardner." El'Jaid Growled, but a small smirk had also started to work across her face. _I can stare down Thresher Maws, Reapers, and Specters; but the great Commander Shepard has no chance against a wall, or a floor..._

"Don't mention it Commander." Gardner replied. "Now I do have some bad news."

"Just keeps getting better...hit me Gardner."

"We are all out of your Earl Grey tea. But I have something that is exactly like it. Only instead of black tea, it uses...purple...tea. And instead of the Beaumont Orange oil it uses some kind of green...ish vegetable." He said as he brought out a metal jug. "But like I said; it's exactly like Earl Grey tea. I think this is based off a Salarian recipe." As he poured the cold liquid in to the small bowl.

El'Jaid had to admit, the concoction didn't sound exactly appetizing. It reminded her too much of purple cough syrup as she watch it pour out from the jug and in to her bowl. But at the same time. What else did she have to lose? And her throat was screaming for fluids. _It's just like Early Grey tea..._ She thought as she brought the bowl up and took a drink. The tea was not what she expected at all. Rather than feeling the icy chill of an iced tea, the liquid gave her a warm sensation as it slithered down her throat not unlike a good whiskey or scotch, but without the burning. The taste and fragrance was that of lavender and rose. But most of all it relaxed away the pounding headache.

"Ummm...Mr. Gardner. I think you have another winner on your hands." She said approvingly.

He smiled as he turned and put the jug away. "Glad to hear that Commander."

El'Jaid stood there for a moment enjoying her tea, for once letting the strain of Command relax away. Gardner went about putting dished through the washer, and other busy work. But he never lost track of her.

"Something on your mind Sergeant?" El'Jaid asked as she tracked him with her right eye.

"Wha...naw nothing Commander." He rushed.

"Uhuh. Out with it." El'Jaid said.

Gardner was silent for a long moment. El'Jaid could tell he was pursing his mind for words. In that space of time all she could hear was the quiet hum of the Normandy around her. She took in the Sergeant's face. She could tell that whatever was weighing on his soul was heavy.

"I've been hearing things Commander. Scuttlebutt that's flowing around. Whispers." Gardner said quietly as he turned to her. He leaned close in the same manner that a bartender would do with a close client or friend. "Crew's wondering what will happen now. Not that that's much of a surprise."

El'Jaid's stomach tightened as she heard him speak. After Hackett's response, she wasn't sure what kind of a 'welcome' she would have from her crew.

"It's hard to believe that its true. That Bahak is gone. That the entire star system is just not there any more. Nothing left." He stood up rubbing the back of his neck looking at the countertop. "Ya know at one time I would have wanted that for those four eyed sons of a bitches. After losing my family I nearly killed one is a fit of blind rage...but I couldn't do it. I didn't want to be like them. Hell, maybe you could say I saw somthing human in them." He said softly. Then he looked up at her. "What happens now Commander? _We_ know the Reapers are coming. But we don't have Cerberus anymore, good riddance, but we also don't have the Alliance or even the Damn Council. Not after Bahak."

"When the Reapers come. We fight." El'Jaid quickly said. She had said those words to herself and others that the phrase had become one of habit. A reflex. A quick empty answer. One that she knew satisfied no one. Especially herself. Frowning she politely pushed away from the counter top. Bile slowly crept in to her throat. "Look, I understand Sergeant...and I appreciate you telling me all of this, but I think I should go." She said as she turned on her heel and started to walk away.

"Wait...Commander Shepard!" Gardner called out.

El'Jaid stopped and turned to face him. Her mask was fixed, but below it she wanted to scream. She could feel herself breaking. It was not too much unlike how she had felt after Torfan.

...yet it was far worse...

Gardner look to her, his gaze unwavering as he let out a sigh in frustration. "Commander I just want to tell you that I know you made the right choice. You wouldn't have done it any other way, because you wouldn't have gotten the job done. That is what you do. What ever happens; this crew is behind you."

Again El'Jaid solemnly nodded, turned again and disappeared around the corner.


	11. Chapter 11

"Ms. Lawson."

Miranda bolted awake. She wasn't sure how she had gotten to her bed with towels around her. Nor exactly why she was still wearing damp clothes. She felt groggy and stupid as the call chimed again.

"Ms. Lawson."

Then it all slowly came back to her, and the drunken mess that Jacob had seen.

"Oh god..." She croaked as she sat up and shook her head. Her arms were still sore from the injections that Jacob had given her. Rough was the only word that creeped in her mind to describe the entire episode. Before she would had been angry with Jacob, but now she didn't blame him how he had 'helped' her. She had not been acting as a Second in Command. Instead she was cowering and terrified.

_The crew deserves better..._

_Shepard deserves better..._

_I have to do better..._

"Miss Lawson, do you require medical attention? Are you alright?" EDI's voice boomed like a grand parade in Miranda's head.

"No...No EDI. What is it..." Miranda growled pained with the rhythmic pangs of her headache.

"The Commander is requesting your presence in Life Support as soon as you are able." EDI reported emotionlessly.

Miranda couldn't help but feel her blood run cold. _She's awake..._ "Could you tell me why EDI?"

"It is not my position to say why Ms. Lawson. She only asked me to call for you. She is waiting." EDI replied again with chilling sterility.

Miranda could also tell from the AI that she was no being given a choice in the matter. Miranda her self wasn't giving herself a choice in the matter.

"All right. I'll be there shortly." She responded.

"Understood Ms. Lawson. Logging you out." EDI quipped and soon after her small blue orbed image shrank from the room.

Miranda quickly, but sorely got up and dressed in to some fresh clothes. She chose her old black and white Cerberus uniform. The logo had been stripped away, even still she hadn't worn the outfit ever since the Normandy's rest and refit on Omega. At one time she would have felt completely comfortable in it. But it still felt...binding. Controlling. Like a straight Jacket. She pushed the thought from her mind as she quickly tossed her hair in to an easy pony tail and gave herself a once over in the mirror. She certainly didn't look as polished as she normally did. She looked like she had just stumbled out of a bar where a brawl had ranged all around her. But then she really didn't care about her appearance.

She walked to the door of her office. No one could see her right now. And no one would as she took in a deep breath and steeled her self. She was Miranda Lawson. Human perfection incarnate. She was simply going to meet with her Commander...

...she was simply going to face her own fear..

The doors rolled opened and she walked confidently out. It was still extremely early in the 'morning' aboard the Normandy. Most of the crew was still fast asleep and Miranda noticed that the lock to the starboard viewing deck was engaged. Soon She was standing in front of the door to Life Support.

She let out a light laugh. _How ironic it is that she is waiting here..._ She thought.

Fear was with her like an unwanted friend. It stayed her hand from activating the door. It caused her stomach to clinch ever tighter. It caused a cold sweat in her gloved hands. But she knew that she couldn't simply avoid this. Any excuse would never hold. If she was to move forward, she had to face this.

Carefully forward she moved and the doors parted from her, then closed like Hell's gate behind her. The air in Life Support was dryer than the rest of the ship. It had been the room where the Assassin Thane Krios had stayed.

Miranda knew where she would find Shepard. Sitting in the same seat facing the window looking in to the Normandy's mass effect core. The same seat that she had always sat in when talking with Krios. Miranda knew this because of the single bit of video that one of the Cerberus surveillance bugs had captured. It was the only bit of information Miranda ever got out of Shepard's private meeting with the Drell. A hour after Shepard had first met with the Drell, Miranda had come back to her locked office to find the surveillance bug carefully and purposely displayed on her bed. She knew that the Assassin had found it and left it there as a statement and a warning. Thane never said anything about it, and she didn't ask. But it was understood, and after that Miranda had stopped locking her door. Because what was the use?

At first, with the frequency of Shepard's visits to Life Support and the fact that she had Thane and Garrus join her on many of the missions over the past year, Miranda had wondered if something more intimate had been going on between the Commander and the Drell. But it was not exactly what she had surmised. She had been wrong.

Out of all the new people that Shepard had recruited, Miranda could tell that Shepard identified the most with the Assassin. It was a professional relationship with deep hints of comradeship and twinges of friendship. Two very similar people who took solace in the fact that they had someone to talk to about things, experiences, and thoughts that others would never understand. But no physical attraction was there for them. Love was never there between Shepard and Krios. No, Shepard's heart already belong to someone else, as did Thane's.

She quietly crept closer down the short corridor to the end of the room, and there in the chair she saw Shepard sitting.

"Miranda. I'm glad you came." Shepard said evenly without even looking back.

Her voice caused Miranda to stop. It was then she noticed that Shepard had seen her reflection mirrored in the window. Miranda peered into the same window and saw Shepard's reflection. Her hands were folded left on top of right on the desk in front of her. Shepard's posture was impeccable. No trace of burden or exhaustion could be discerned.

The woman's face was eerily serene, but thin fissures that lined her jaw line glowed a faint red, and her eyes displayed a conflicted story with one pupil shining blue, the other a radiant red. Miranda swallowed. Shepard's unique eyes had never been designed to do that. They had been crafted to be just as Shepard's had been before she had died. But the eyes were once again a reminder that project Lazarus had been truly out of Miranda's control.

"EDI...said you wanted to see me Commander..." Miranda said carefully.

"Yes." Shepard responded. "She has informed me on what had happened since Everest opened fire on us. I wanted to talk with you about where we go from here."

Miranda was frozen. She didn't know what EDI had told the Commander. Right now she was looking at the reflection of the most wanted person in the entire Galaxy. They couldn't last in the depth of space forever. Boarders had no meaning to where they could run. There was no asylum for Shepard. The Galaxy would simply continue to follow and hunt her.

They would continue to ignore the true threat until it was too late...

"What do you know so far?" Miranda asked.

"My Crew and ship were attacked by an Alliance Dreadnaught. EDI got us out. The Batarian Hegemony has gone silent, and the Alliance is gearing up for open war with the Batarians. The Council as usual, is not commenting, though every Council race is."

None of that surprised Miranda. She had kept abreast of the media and the news flying around because of Bahak. Before the Hegemony had gone silent, the Batarians had released still imagery of Shepard at the prison facility on Aratoht, and various captures of the Normandy. Many of the news pundits still could not believe that Commander Shepard was alive. When previous sightings of Shepard started to be brought to the table, most dismissed it as 'crazy talk'. Most believed that it was crew of terrorists trying to destabilize the Galactic community, and that a very good imposter was using Shepard's likeness. Officially the Alliance had not commented on whether or not is could identify the Ship, or 'Shepard'.

But Miranda knew that unofficially the Alliance knew exactly what had happened, and by extension the Council knew what Shepard had done.

And they would continue to hunt her.

Shepard didn't wait for a reply. "What are our options?

Again Miranda couldn't reply. The variables were too many, but they continued to point in the same direction. A dead end. Just running would not work. Shepard couldn't simply go in front of the Council. And Miranda knew that Shepard would never let Liara to simply hide them, it would make her a target. Not when Cerberus knew...

Cerberus. The one variable that had failed to cross Miranda's mind until that moment. She knew that the Illusive Man was angry. He wasn't going to let his own personal pet project just simply give him the finger and walk away. And after the Alpha Relay had gone off...He would see it as a failure, regardless if Shepard had stopped the Reapers. Miranda knew how the Illusive Man dealt with failures.

The Council, The Alliance, even the Terminus states; those Miranda could see, keep track of, stay ahead of. The Illusive Man. The Man who had created Cerberus, who had built the SR2 Normandy, and had funded Shepard's revival. There was no way in hell she could keep an eye out for him. He would strike sideways. Shepard would never see it coming.

Miranda looked back at the reflection. The Commander's face was telling. Miranda knew that Shepard had already gone through every conceivable idea, thought, and plan.

It was all a dead end.

"You worry for her don't you." Shepard said again softly. Her gaze never faltering. "Have you heard from Oriana, Miranda?"

Miranda felt fire in her cheeks and she mentally berated her self for being so transparent. It didn't matter if it was Shepard or Jacob, she despised being seen as weak.

"No, Shepard I haven't." Miranda replied with forced fervor. She had to show that her sister's wellbeing wasn't on her mind. That personal concerns were not effecting her. She couldn't appear weak to Shepard. Not again. Shepard already knew far too much.

A suicide mission can do that. Fear and love can make a person do that. To bare their burdens to anyone. Burdens that would have and should have otherwise been kept for a more well known audience. Yet Miranda had survived, she had re-learned that lesson, to always be mindful of the audience your speaking to.

"I see..." Shepard responded, with a tone of...what...sadness in her voice? "I was only curious because I don't know where Liara has moved Oriana and her family to."

If Miranda Lawson's facade had one weak point, it was Oriana. It had always been Oriana. Her eyes went wide with shock and surprise.

"What...what do you mean you don't know where my sister is." Miranda felt like she had been kicked in the stomach. She saw Shepard's reflection. This time her face was pointed down to the table. Miranda inched closer to get a better look, and she saw Shepard staring into a small empty bowl.

"I asked only Liara to handle it. To move your sister and her family. I didn't want to know where your sister is incase Cerberus would try to find her by coming after me. I don't want them to use your sister against you Miranda. I have to save your family Miranda. I have to." Shepard said solemnly.

Miranda again was lost for words. She had not expected this. She didn't know what to do or say. Liara was the only person who knew, and that in itself was nothing since she was the Shadow Broker.

Shepard then turned to face her. Her eyes this time were glowing a ghostly blue. I sorrowful blue.

Shepard looked down at the floor between them. "I did it Miranda. I killed those people. All three hundred thousand of them. I killed them to try to save Trillions. I killed them to delay the Reapers." She looked back up to Miranda.

"Did I do the right thing?"

The last question echoed in Mirada's psyche. It struck like a wrecking ball against her tower of fear, shattering it. How could the being that sat in front of her be the kind of monster that she feared, and yet pose that question? That monster would have had no sense of caring, or remorse. It didn't matter if it was about one person or a trillion. The monster that Miranda Lawson feared would have not batted an eyelash at all. That monster did not sit where El'Jaid Shepard did.

But Miranda knew she could not answer Shepard with an _I don't know._ Even though she wanted to.

"Shepard. You have always said that it was your mission to stop the Reapers. That mission has not changed." Miranda said softly.

Shepard took in a deep breath. Miranda was unsure if she had helped or not. But at least she was free. Her sister and her were finally free. _I will follow you like Garrus and the others. You led me through hell, and I will follow now to what ever end._ She whispered in her mind as she looked upon the strong, powerful woman in front of her.

"Shepard...you looked exhausted. It's four in the bloody morning. Get to your cabin and your bed." Miranda commanded with a friendly smirk.

El'Jaid looked up and cracked a grin. "Aye Aye." And she hauled herself to her feet. As she walked past Miranda she reached out and gave her XO a gentle grip on the shoulder.

"Did EDI also tell you that Dr. T'Soni is onboard?" Miranda asked.

El'Jaid's eyes narrowed. She was not aware of that unexpected, and unwanted news. "No...EDI didn't."

"It was an...oversight...Commander." EDI responded as quickly as she had appeared. "I believe she is currently residing in the starboard observation deck."

"All right. Please do _not_ wake her. I am going to my cabin, and I need some shut eye, so no visitors." Shepard heated.

"Even Dr. T'Soni?" EDI asked.

"Especially Dr. T'Soni." El'Jaid growled.

EDI paused for a long moment.

"I understand Shepard. Anything else?"

"No. Thank you."

"Logging you out." EDI quipped before vanishing.

Miranda watched as a living Atlas with her shoulders bowed heavy with burden, but showing the undeniable strength of resolve, walked out of Life Support. Miranda soon followed and returned to her own office. She quickly stripped out of her outfit and threw it in the trash bin.

"I have no more need of binders. Of chains. I'm free." She said elatedly as she then slipped under her bed's covers and drifted off to the first instance of restful sleep she had known in an age.


	12. Chapter 12

El'Jaid stood in the elevator as it rose. Even though she had been supposedly 'sleeping' for days, she felt exhausted. She barely felt a spark in her at all.

It comforted her to know what the crew of her ship still stood with her. After talking with Gardner she had taken a walk around the near empty CIC. Joker had been in his bunk, and the Normandy simply glided through space and time on autopilot. As she had passed by the spartanly crewed workstations; she over heard the conversation that flowered in quiet bloom.

_If I wasn't here I wouldn't have believed it._

_What do we do now?_

_Did we really stop the Reapers?_

_Was an entire star system worth it?_

But she also heard,

_Shepard made the only choice she could..._

"The only choice..." El'Jaid said sourly as an old Ghoul rose with in her.

It had always been there since Torfan. Pulling at her mind's ear, looking back in to her mind's eye. It was the faint callous laughter that she always could hear, but could never listen to. It felt like an old unwanted friend. A familiar hollowness. It had survived tremendous victories, and even death to continue to plague her.

"No...it wasn't the only the only one I had..." She spoke aloud. Then she drew in a deep breath. "But...I have to answer for it. Like I should have answered for Torfan. It the only way I can warn them now..." Then her mind remembered that Liara was on board. She closed her eyes and leaned against the elevator wall for support as she stroked a hand through her hair trying to calm herself.

"Why did she come?" She let out a shiver as the thought of Liara came to her mind. Out of all the people she didn't want on her ship, right now Liara was at the top of the list.

"How can I face her after what I've done..." El'Jaid said dejectedly. "Why did she even come? To just collect information?...To reject me?"

The elevator stopped and the doors opened. El'Jaid stepped out and leaned against the bulkhead wall just outside of her cabin. All she wanted to do was collapse, and try to find some comforting dreamless sleep.

El'Jaid keyed open the door to her cabin, and she stepped in. What caught her attention was how impeccably picked up everything seemed. The room was not littered with the shards of glass and models. In fact only two models were still intact. One was of the Normandy SR2, the other of the Hagalaz. Liara's ship. Resting in between then was the broken and rented model of Sovereign.

The token brought a small smile to El'Jaid's face.

She looked over to the left, and the fish still swam around in blissful obliviousness, darting to and fro. _Kelly has been busy..._ El'Jaid mused to herself. The tank bathed the dim cabin in a soft blue light, and it was comfortably warm. The light hum of the Prothean orb caught El'Jaid's ear. It's blissful tone never ceasing as she strode closer to the small set of stairs. She turned her head to look at the metallic sphere as it slightly levitated up and down.

It was then she realized that she was not alone.

There on the sofa laid a sight that defined peace, rest, and beauty as she watched the form's delicately crafted curves rise and fall with each breath. The being's eyes gently shut, and neutral expression held on her lips as slumber breath held the being in place.

El'Jaid's couldn't tear here eyes away from the picturesque sight as mind raced at what to do. Run. Yell. Break down. Rage. Scream with joy. All these thoughts and emotions roiled away inside her.

In the end she did the only thing she could think of doing. The only action she could bare. Turning around and walking out. She had nearly made it to midway to the door when a seraphim's song froze her.

"El'Jaid..."

She stopped dead in her tracks. She was caught in limbo. She couldn't turn. Part of her mind screamed for her to move. But the other part told her to stay. Rarely did she ever hear just her first name. It was a word reserved for someone else. Someone she had been, but who had burned away so many years ago. Another life time ago...

"El'Jaid...Please don't go..." Her Angel said again quietly.

El'Jaid simply stood in place, her eyes looking towards the shut door, but really just peering in to space. Her arms were at her sides, her hands clinched. She heard the soft padding of feet walking up behind her, and felt the warmth only two arms roping around her could bring. She felt the feeling of a head come to rest on the top of her back. They both stood not moving for minuets. Neither of them said anything. Yet in that time they spoke volumes to each other.

Pain and Anguish. Love and Comfort. Isolation and Despair. Redemption and Forgiveness.

"Please...talk to me." Liara gently pleaded.

"You shouldn't be here..." El'Jaid responded her tone lifeless and cold.

Liara strengthen her embrace of the Commander. El'Jaid in turn didn't move.

"I know Hackett sent you on that mission." Liara said softly. Her voice was like a warm blanket on a deep winters night.

El'Jaid tensed even more with her love's words. But said nothing.

"Please saying something. It's not your fault." Liara said soothingly.

"Not my fault?" El'Jaid hissed as she clinched her hands tighter. "Li, I obliterated an entire star system! That system is...gone...because of me!" El'Jaid started to shiver. Slowly her Commander's mask was cracking. What it contained underneath it, El'Jaid didn't know.

"EDI shared with me your conversation tat was saved your armor's OSD. It's not your fault." Liara said placing a soft kiss on El'Jaid's covered shoulder.

"Li...just go...please..." El'Jaid croaked. She felt so tired, so drained. Her body felt like titanium weights.

"It's not your fault." Liara said again a she kissed El'Jaid's other shoulder.

El'Jaid just crumpled to the floor, and Liara let go as she went down. El'Jaid crashed down on her knees as she continue to stair as the floor before her.

"...over three hundred thousand..." El'Jaid whispered. Rage, self rage tore through her. That goading mental image of the pedestal with the activate button continued to fill her vision. Of actions done, and choices made.

"AN ENTIRE STAR SYSTEM BECAUSE OF ME!" She screamed as she slammed her fists in to the floor like a sledgehammer. "I MADE A CHOICE! I FUCKED UP! I KILLED THEM!" She continued till her hands went numbed white with pain. Until she was heaping air in to her lungs.

But she had not shed one tear. Rage poured from her like scalding water.

Liara knelt down beside her on the right. El'Jaid felt the Asari's soothing warm hand on her back.

"It's not your fault." Liara said calmly again, and then El'Jaid struck.

She turned like a viper and soon had Liara pinned to the wall. She gripped her arms in a vice. Her red pupils dominating her eyes, the thin cracks of her face looking like fissures of lava. "You DON'T understand. You WEREN'T there..." She spat.

Liara winced under El'Jaid's hold, but the boldness of her own blue eyes never wavered.

"...Shepard...I'm sorry..."

El'Jaid relaxed her hold. The pupils of her eyes dimming.

"...I'm sorry you came back...I didn't want this for you...I didn't want any of this for you..." Liara said as she gently reached up and cupped the side of El'Jaid's face in her left hand. El'Jaid in kind leaned in to the Asari's soft touch gently closing her eyes.

"It's alright. I'm here. You can break." Liara soothed.

El'Jaid opened her eyes. No longer were her pupils ruled by shades of red or blue, but held within them the depths of night. Tears welled in her eyes, yet they still did not come. "But...I..." She settled back, crossing her legs in front of her.

"You can break." Liara soothed again as she drew closer. She wrapped her arms around El'Jaid pulling her close. "It's alright. Just break."

El'Jaid rested her hands on her legs as the first tears came sliding down her face. They fell like rain drops on her knees. Liara delicately nestled herself on El'Jaid's lap as the Specter's eyes continued to mourn. She drew the Specter close saying nothing as El'Jaid threw here arms around her Angel as she continued to break.

For the first time in her new life, Shepard had the chance to break. To mourn the life she had lost, the ugly deals she had made, the lives she had taken. To mourn what she had become. Liara in turn finally had a chance to at least start healing all of the damage she had caused. To finally be there for the woman she loved with her heart and soul.

How long they were there letting the pain flow and ebb. Just letting it run it's course neither of them knew. It didn't matter.

El'Jaid eased back and Liara again looked into El'Jaid's emerald and onyx eyes. They very same eyes she remembered from all those years ago. El'Jaid rubbed a tear from her nose and sniffled letting out a light laugh. "I'm a mess."

"No your not." Liara soothed as she combed one of her hands through El'Jaid's short fiery hair. "Still want me to go?" The Asari asked with a small smile in reflection to El'Jaid's.

Then El'Jaid struck again. She quickly rocked forward and soon had Liara pinned to the deck floor, her lips capturing the doctor's in a powerful and bruising kiss. Liara let out a moan as she wrapped her legs tighter around the commanders torso, and El'Jaid pressed herself more firmly down on her prey snaking her hands underneath Liara's tank top and finding warm, wonderful skin beneath.

They both shifted from release to relief as they look pleasure from the other and gave it in kind. Each enjoying the sweet pain of love and lust as their lips and tongues tasted the sweet taste of life. As their hands roved around tearing away the constraining and binding restrains of clothing and sheets as they remembered what touch really was meant to be. A foundation of understanding.

Through Melding they again each reacquainted with the singular being that they combined into when they joined. El'Jaid finally had the clarity to see the vast ocean of life that encompassed Liara, and not be blinded by overwhelming pleasure. Liara as well saw the guarded and closed flower that waited patiently for her. The haze of caution evaporating and the ropes of beautifully twisted vines she had seen before with El'Jaid giving way for her to truly see the beautiful rose that lay protected away.

El'Jaid stroked the waters edge coaxing gasps and trembles from Liara. The ocean El'Jaid saw ranged every color of blue and aqua imaginable. Liara slowly walked around the flower as she gently caressed it's stem and case. The screams of joy, and quakes of pleasure given that sprang from El'Jaid could only be paralleled to music for the Asari's ears.

Hours drifted by as they eased in and out of pleasure and release before they both found rest in each other with limbs coiled and bodies wrapped together as one.

[][][][]

As El'Jaid rose to the waking world, her head was clear and she felt at ease. At the same time she knew what she had to do. She looked at Liara's head crest surmising that the Shadow Broker was asleep. She breathed deeply as she continued to let her eyes rove around the mesmerizing image of her love.

"Your going to do it aren't you." Liara spoke softly.

El'Jaid closed her eyes mentally screaming a curse. _She knows..._

Liara turned over to face her, and she quickly paced a kiss on El'Jaid's lips. "I can't blame you." And then she drew herself close to El'Jaid, and El'Jaid protectively hugged her.

"I have to Angel. Its the only way." El'Jaid responded.

"I know. I already have done some digging, and I found a few interesting things.." Liara said as she gently pushed away and crept out of bed.

El'Jaid again couldn't help but watch Liara move as she walked over to the small coffee table. Liara moved with the grace of a dancer, and the entrancing motion of a willow in early summer. As Liara returned to the bed she caught her love's eyes.

"Enjoying the scenery Commander?" Liara smiled.

"I would be more inclined to call it art rather then scenery." El'Jaid smiled.

Liara let out a chuckle and shook her head. "Insatiable as always. When I was on Illium there would be mornings I would work from home and be so busy that I would forget to dress."

"I hope your memory doesn't sharpen now that I'm around you again." El'Jaid growled heatedly.

"Umm, only if your memory doesn't improve in that department either when I'm around Commander." Liara purred as she slipped back to bed. "But for now...our attention should be back on business."

El'Jaid just smiled and shook her head.

"So what do you have for me?

"Well seems that Humanity has a new Specter. It was quiet, happened just four days ago. No one really outside of the Council and top Alliance military and political figures even know about it." Liara said as she looked over the file she had built.

"Probably as to not make the situation any worse then it already is between the Alliance and the Batarians." El'Jaid reasoned. "Having another human Specter would make it look like the Council was in support of the Alliance. Any idea of who it is?"

Liara shook her head. "The informant wasn't able to provide a name, but another informant within the Alliance Navy has stated that the Alliance Dreadnaught K2 has been withdrawn from the home defense force. Orders came from the Parliament so it seems."

"The K2, one of the Alliance's newest Dreadnaughts. It has to be special assignment. No official orders or records given or kept." El'Jaid said as she too looked over the copper display.

"Actually the Alliance is saying it's for a good will tour." Liara said going quickly through the datapad. " The K2 was slated to move to orbit around Saturn for readiness drills and systems checks before heading out. This was three days ago.

"Humm, the Alliance is trying good old fashioned gunship diplomacy? That may have worked centuries ago with sailing warships, but not today. Yet it still presents a nice cover story." El'Jaid leaned back against the bed's headboard. "The new Specter has to be Kaidan Alenko."

Liara raised an eye brow sending her love an unspoken question.

"Makes the most sense. They won't make just _anyone_ a Specter. Kaidan is experienced, dedicated, and has proven himself many times. He also knows me. Some of my methods, and tactics." El'Jaid reasoned.

"Then it means that his first task and the real mission of the K2 is to hunt you." Liara said solemnly. "And your going to turn yourself in."

El'Jaid only nodded her head as Liara tossed the data pad aside and snuggled closer. "I also know that the Alliance won't simply execute me. They want information. Information on Bahak, where I've been and what I've done. They want information on Cerberus. Information I have. So for that, regardless of what happens; I am more valuable to them alive then dead."

El'Jaid last words sent a chill through Liara, even though she knew that El'Jaid was right. "What will happened to the Normandy? I am sure the Alliance wants to take a look at what Cerberus, and you, have done with it." Liara stated.

El'Jaid's roguish grin started to creep across her face. "I want you to have it."

The Asari's face darted away in surprise. "Shepard you can't just give me your ship. I already have the Hagalaz to deal with."

"Miranda will have the Normandy in lieu of my absence. I am giving you Command though. I am sure the Shadow Broker will find the Normandy useful. It's crew knows the ship better then anyone else and I don't want the Alliance to have it. I also know you could use the extra firepower and resourcefulness of the Normandy if Cerberus tries to make a move against you." El'Jaid stated.

Laira scrunched her face into a small smile. "Your mind is like, what is that human saying...a steel trap."

El'Jaid smiled. "Your getting better Angel."

Liara scoffed as she straddled El'Jaid's torso with her legs. "I also don't need a protector." As she gently but forcefully planted a hand on El'Jaid chest holding her down.

"I know." El'Jaid said looking up in her Angel's eyes as Liara lowered down, her nose just an inch from El'Jaid's. "But I still have a promise to keep." As El'Jaid Captured Liara again in a lascivious embrace, and time melted away once more.

Soon it was time for them both to start the day, and they both unwillingly parted the bed, but not one another's company as they went through the morning ritual of gearing up for the day.

Liara chose the scientist jump suite that El'Jaid had never worn. El'Jaid couldn't help but notice how it fit her nearly perfectly the sight gave El'Jaid the feeling of deja vu as she remembered Liara as the coy shy scientist just a few years ago, but what could not have been another life time.

El'Jaid in turn was dressed in her typical strict cut high necked uniform. As she finished checking her reflection in the mirror her eyes lit a warm red as if to approve her appearance. A light reminder of who she was now.

With her eyes dimmed back to black she looked over to Liara. "Ready to go? I want to have a meeting with the crew in an hour."

Liara nodded. 'That will give me time to check for anything else important." But El'Jaid also noticed the return of concern to Liara's face and she strode over to her. "Hey. This isn't goodbye, and I'm too valuable for the Alliance to simply execute me. Besides I feel that we don't have much time left before _they_ come."

"I know." Liara said softly. " It's just..."

"Just what?" El'Jaid asked softly.

There were no words in any spoken language to express what Liara felt. No music notes could paint the emotion she felt. Action was all that she could come up with for an expression. She gruffly shoved El'Jaid into the bulkhead wall and pressed into her, at the same time locking her lips in a crushing kiss as she clutched El'Jaid close. Their biotics mutually flared for a second and Liara roughly broke the kiss. "Don't you dare leave me again El'Jaid Autumn Shepard. You have a promise to keep."

"As the Shadow Broker commands." El'Jaid quipped with a soft smile as she knew exactly what Liara meant.

They both slipped in to the Elevator and departed their temporary oasis of rest and paradise.


	13. Chapter 13

"You didn't tell her!" Joker blustered as he quickly ran through the Normandy's systems reports. Nothing in the reports had changed, but like everyone else it was a routine he just did. A routine that helped keep him somewhat sane.

"I didn't think it would be prudent to let Shepard know at the time since she seemed quite distressed..." EDI responded.

"And the thought that she may want to know if her girlfriend in onboard didn't cross your software circuitry?" Joker shouted. "Great...she's going to think it _was _my idea. After I have finally stopped _jumping_ out of my skin every time she approaches me. I really don't need a repeat of the last 'talk' her and I shared."

"I thought the scene was quiet entertaining..." EDI quipped.

Joker shot the glowing orb a disgruntled look. "Oh but of course having the Galaxy's deadliest woman inches away from breaking your legs is tons of fun! Thanks EDI!" Joker hissed.

"Joker..." A growl sounded from behind him.

He went rigid in his seat as he could feel the hairs on the back of his neck rise. "Oh shit. Oh Shit." He said as he hurriedly tried to make it look like he was 'working'.

"Joker." The growl came again.

"Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe she really is not just behind me right now, because that would be just great..." He said as his arms flew over displays. Then quicker than a flash of the eye his chair was pulled around and he sat there looking up at his Commander. "Oh shit! Ah ...hey Commander..." Is all he could force out.

The titan looked down at him, both pupils as black as death itself.

" Commander it really wasn't me this time honest!" Joker squeaked as Shepard leaned down hunching herself on the arms of his chair. "Oh shit...its not going to be a 'talk' is it? Maybe the rack would be better? Look I know EDI can pilot the Normandy, but I'd _really_ like to not be in full body cast for six months to a year!"

Shepard only gave him a rouges grin.

"Oh shit..." Joker swallowed.

Then Shepard leaned in and kissed him lightly on the cheek. She quickly leaned up and smiled back at him. "Thanks Joker. For everything."

Joker looked back at her stunned. "What the...Ah right Commander."

He heard Liara laughing hysterically at little further down the gangway.

"Joker tell the crew to assemble in the CIC within the hour." Shepard said as she turned and walked down the aisle.

"Right, yeah, what ever you say Commander." Joker said still looking on as Shepard continued down with Liara at her side.

Joker turned around and looked blankly at the displays. "What the shit!" Joker said in amazement.

[][][][][][]

Soon after Joker had sent out the call every crew member stood in the CIC. Their expressions contained a mixture of apprehension, wonderment, and doubt. El'Jaid stood at the podium of the galaxy map. All eyes were drawn to her. Liara stood to left quarter, and Kelly was at her usual station to El'Jaid's right. Joker took the stance at the point of the Galaxy Map. He was flanked by Miranda and Jacob. El'Jaid knew that Kasumi was also near floating amongst the crew in invisibility. Seeing and listening to everything.

El'Jaid licked her lips of amethyst as she ran a hand through her mane of fire. She had so much that she wanted to say. She wished she had time to speak with each of the crew individually. So many she had barely gotten to know. But time was gone. Yet even with their faces containing the mixture of emotions they each felt, El'Jaid knew that she was still their Commander.

"Thank you." She said warmly. "Without you, the collectors would never have been stopped. Without you, none of the great and good things that we have done would have been possible."

She watched as her words caused the crew to look around at each other, and then back to her.

"But I don't need to tell you of the horror that is coming. You have seen it. Experienced it for yourselves." She leaned forward, her shoulders again becoming heavy with burden. "It is because of that horror that I destroyed a star system. That I killed many innocent people so that the Reapers would be delayed in order to buy for many more innocent people."

"No! You didn't have a choice!" One serviceman called out from the crowd. The shout caused even a greater stir of support for her.

El'Jaid raised her hand for quiet and silence was restored. "But I fear that time is slipping away from us faster then any of us could anticipate, and the Galaxy still does not see the darkness that is coming. This crew has stood fast with me through all this time. Again I cannot thank you enough." She said again warmly. "I have no doubt that when the Reapers do come that this crew will continue to distinguish itself. You will continue to do the impossible."

Shouts of hurrah and celebration lit up the congregation and then ebbed away as all waited with bated breath for their Commander to continue.

"A Specter, a Human Specter along with an Alliance Dreadnaught has been dispatched to hunt down the Normandy. Their aim is clear. But I will not allow that to happen. I will not allow the Alliance, or the Council to have the satisfaction."

Quiet displays of defiance waved through the collective.

"I will also not allow the Galaxy to become embroiled in a needless, wasteful war when annihilation comes to our doorsteps. Our true enemy will show no quarter, no remorse. They will consume all like a horde of locusts and leave this galaxy bare again. We have to open the galaxy's eyes." She looked across the mass of people looking into each of their eyes in turn. "I have to open their eyes. I have to answer for the horror that I have done. I have to explain to the Alliance, to the Galaxy why I had to burn Bahak. It is the only way that we can warm them of the Reapers arrival, and I need you at my side for this final flight. After which, Miranda Lawson will be Commander of the Normandy and she will report directly to Dr. T'Soni."

Surprise filled the CIC. Miranda straighten her stance and gave El'Jaid a simple nod. El'Jaid could also sense the grimace that lines Liara's face, though she was silent.

"Fuck that!" stormed Joker. "That is an order, I _will not_ follow." He pounded the banister with his hands as Miranda tried to console him, and he gruffly shoved her off. "No!" His voice cracked with pain and guilt. "Commander, I have followed you through hell and back. I have put up with your shit. I will not let you go again. I let you die once, but not again." He seethed.

El'Jaid stood down from the podium, and she made her way over to her Pilot. It was true, he was the best helmsmen in the entire Galaxy. She stood barely a foot from him and he stood as straight and as tall as he could. Defiance burned on his face, but his eyes spoke only of loyalty, of friendship, of a bond deeper than friendship.

"Joker. I need you to helm the Normandy. I need you here to guide her through the stars when I can't be here. I need you to be ready to pick me up when shit hits the fans."

She bore down to him. He in turn looked right in to the vista of the Titan in turn, knowing he was as much as one as she was. He may not have know how to properly fire a gun, or had any biotic power; but he had wings, blistering speed, and shadow to cover him. It wasn't a contest of wills. Not a fight of power, but a coming to a mutual understanding.

"When we get there. If the dreadnaught opens fire do I have permission to return fire?" He asked deathly.

El'Jaid straighten her stance, her eyes shinning a little lighter with red. "You have my permission to make an example of how the Normandy fares in combat. I want that dreadnaught jammed as soon as we get close enough. I want you to sneak up on them and scare the hell out of them."

"Will _you_ be ready when the Reapers arrive?" He asked.

"I will be waiting for you." She responded.

"Will you lead us?" He asked.

"To hell and back." She responded.

He stood a little taller, and looked around at the assembly.

"I want all crews at their stations on fully combat alert ASAP. EDI, I want that ship jammed as soon as we are in range and the Thanix cannon primed and ready to deploy without notice." He ordered as he turned and quickly returned to the cockpit.

El'Jaid turned towards the crew. "You heard the man! Lets play flying Dutchman and make the Alliance think twice about sending _one_ dreadnaught after the Normandy. Dismissed!"

"Yes Ma'am!" The chorus sounded as all around her crashed in to organized chaos for the final flight.

El'Jaid made her way over to Liara and deftly wrapped a reassuring arm around the Asari's waist as she watched the Normandy jump to FTL for the closest relay.

So began the greatest gambit ever known.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I hope you have enjoyed this last frame work piece to Sea and the Rose. Now to turn my full attention to working and completing that work. To finally give El'Jaid Shepard the ending she really deserves.


End file.
